The Wizard of Oz Conventions are Over!

Posted on September 8, 2012 by enthusiasmiscontagious

Finally, the conventions are over! I now have the same feelings one gets when, after two days, the Metamucil finally kicks in.

Each night, no matter the party affiliation, Americans endured more hot air than a rest stop hand dryer and more insincerity than a Hollywood agents heart. As each speaker bloviated and pounded the bully pulpit,  each yelling at me that I had but one choice for a candidate, I couldn’t help but feel like the Tin Man and the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. Standing in front of what they thought was the fiery Wizard, they couldn’t help but be drawn to a man behind the drapes, operating levers and switches. The man, seeing his identity was being revealed, kept yelling, “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!” The reality is, the landscape of politics in this country is deeply flawed. Someone other than the obvious is running the show and the whole system is as fake as football stadium AstroTurf.

Each election year I feel like the ugliest kid in school. In the hallway, walking towards me is the prettiest most popular cheerleader. As I am mesmerized by her soothing voice and seductive perfume. I can’t believe she’s asking me if I would promise to go to the prom with her. I pinch myself. I say yes. My pulse races,  and I dream that maybe this time, I won’t be made a joke. The weeks leading up to the big day are euphoric; the future looks bright! But strangely on the evening of the big night, you find you’ve been used. The cheerleader had only asked you out so she could make a play for someone else. Now, while everyone parties, you’re lost, stretched out on the couch eating a bag of stale cheese puffs, feeling lower than the broken Cheeto that now rests in your navel. Another string of broken promises that once possessed such lofty expectations.

Politics are ugly, the conventions proved it. If I wanted to hear individuals calling each other names all the time, I’d check back into kindergarten.

From now on if politicians want to engage me, this is what I expect of them, “Be honest with me, don’t lie, and work hard.” That’s all. That’s my platform. You see, I want a congressman who can keep a promise, not one who is the best money can buy. There’s too many of those in Washington already! And if they don’t listen to our wishes, let’s do what other reality shows do with a flourish, vote them off our island.

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Excuse Me, Please!

Posted on September 6, 2012 by enthusiasmiscontagious

Because of my vocation I have to carry a sense of modicum in all situations. No matter if a store clerk is rude, or the postal clerk operates with the speed of Cecil B. Turtle, I must be a beacon of warmth and patience. Today while entering the grocery store, a couple stood in my way of getting a grocery cart (buggy). Strapping their child into the buggy, the process became long and laborious. Out of the corner of his eye, the father of the child saw me. Despite knowing I was patiently waiting, he and the Mrs. continued taking up access to all three rows of grocery carts. No word or acknowledging word was uttered my way. I waited and waited, they took out their grocery list and carried on their conversation acting oblivious to my hulking presence. Several times I saw him glancing at me but he would quickly avert eye contact and continue to talk with his significant other as they made their grocery plans.

What seemed like ten minutes but probably not more than 4 minutes, I couldn’t help but think of my appointments yet to be met. The couple then inexplicably continued on their way with nary an apology or comment. I asked myself, “what is it with people and their lack of manners today?”

As I strolled the aisles getting my few items I came upon a teenager and mother shopping. His name should have been Snoop Droopy Drawers. As I studied the teen leaning over his buggy, my eyes were drawn to his faded blue and green boxer shorts. The band of his shorts oddly resting a full foot below the band of his boxers; his backside prominently on display. I giggled to myself what his response might be, if I had the bravery to stand in front of him the same way he was dressed? He’d probably toss his cookies, which is what I wanted to do at that time.

As I picked up my few items and went to check out, there were three check-out cashiers ready. As I walked past a dawdling older woman still shopping and meandering, she suddenly burst forth with the energy of a cannon ball being fired. Like a race car driver careening to the finish line, she sprinted ahead of me, cut off my path, and landed in my aisle just ahead of me. Despite my irritation, I almost applauded. I mean that sprint should have left her winded and wheezing like an asthmatic horse.

I hope it made her day, because it really looked silly to the rest of us shoppers. I waited while she looked for her wallet, tried to use outdated coupons, and had difficulty using the credit card machine. On top of all this, I think she bought her hearing aid battery from a Flea Market. She was as deaf as a haddock.
My 20 minutes in the store today is a microcosm of a Pastor’s life. I smile because God is always testing His servants with the most obnoxious, unloving, uncaring, cave dwellers. And yet, despite our earth being liberally sprinkled with such abrasive bumpkins, I must mirror His example of kindness, love, and mercy.

My next vacation I am going to do what the Good Lord did; I think I will spend it in the wilderness. While I do believe he spent most of his time in prayer, I can’t help but think some of it was spent screaming in frustration at the top of His lungs, “These 12 disciples are the best men we could find?”

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All Things are Not Equal When it Comes to Hair

Posted on September 4, 2012 by enthusiasmiscontagious

The woman who tells her balding husband that “hair isn’t important” is the same one who spends every month in the salon getting a perm, coloring it at the first hint of gray, and has more hair accessories than Paris Hilton has shoes.

I have come to the conclusion that women in general hold their husbands to a higher standard than themselves. Make him look like a geek and no other woman will want him. A walk in Kmart the other day found me curiously fascinated at the Hair in a Can display. The can screams in bold letters, SPRAY YOUR DOME, LOOK NATURAL. “You’re not getting any of that stuff; you’d look stupid,” my wife told me. From a man’s standpoint, what’s the difference between painting your crown with one color or painting your face with ten different colors? Needless to say, I left the Krylon follicle spray to some other husband who has the guts to stand up to his wife. I lack the courage!

What made walking away from this cylinder of miracles so painful was the price. Regularly $19.99, it was now on the clearance rack for $3 plus you got a companion nozzle for your chest. It’s only a matter of time before this company goes out of business. Not because the product isn’t desperately needed, but because women are strong-arming their significant others through marital peer pressure.

So I start each day shellacking my few strands of manhood like I was stacking a perfect pile of cord-wood, all to hide the fact if I combed it naturally, I’d look like a roll-on deodorant. Some women even go to the point of allowing their husband’s hair to be parted at the base of the neck to be combed forward, purposely allowing him to publicly humiliate himself. This style takes precision and great hair spray. I saw one man with this hairstyle walking down the street and when the wind blew, it looked like a tarantula was jumping up and down on his head. The fact is, women want their husbands bald. Women know that ‘middle age + baldness= a safe husband.’

It’s actually therapy for women to have a bald husband. They sit around and say things like, “George just feels awful now that he is going bald.” (chortle, chortle) “Oh,” chimes another, “he’s cute bald” (tee-hee-hee)

It’s a lie! This statement has about as much merit as a man saying to his friend, “Hey Joe, I think Phyllis looks great even though her body looks like a Picasso model with spider veins.”

Honesty still is the best policy. Women must admit that bald men do look as silly as Uncle Fester and give him permission to find a suitable replacement for his loss. The outcome is as follows: When he sits at the breakfast table with his two-tone hairpiece that doesn’t match, you’ll love him anyway and he’ll feel like a man again. In return, he won’t comment about how you really look in that neon bathing suit and will assure you that in no way are you beginning to look like your mother.

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New Law Doesn’t Apply to Congress?

Posted on September 2, 2012 by enthusiasmiscontagious

Can we all agree that we know the meaning of the word hypocrisy? If not, let me help you understand it better.

Maybe you haven’t heard of a new federal law that forbids insured depository institutions, like your bank, from hiring people with criminal pasts. If you didn’t, then Richard Eggers and Yolanda Quesada sure have!

Talk about petty? When a background check was run on Mr. Eggers by the bank he had worked for, for sometime, it revealed a “sordid past”. Forty-eight years ago when he was a teenager (dare we even contemplate his dreadful sin), he tried to use a fake 10-cent coin to dry his laundry. Because that indiscretion was still on his record, his employer Wells Fargo, according to news reports, promptly fired him for having a police record. The same goes for Ms. Quesada. Early in her teens she shoplifted some clothes and was promptly caught and paid the fine. She said she learned her lesson, went back to school, earned her degree and had been a model citizen ever since. Now 58 years of age, she too lost her job with the same bank because a background check divulged her youthful indiscretion committed over 42 years ago.

The company spokesman said, “we have to comply with federal regulations, which are now in place. The government is making an effort to protect customers from identity theft or possible fraud.”

In comparison the architects of this law the U.S. Congress, in the past 12 years, has had over 30 scandals. I can assure you, each was more egregious than a 10-cent coin or a pilfered blouse. Yet remarkably, many who participated in the aforementioned shenanigans in the House not only wrote this same exacting law, but remain in office.

The bank spokesman concluded the interview by saying, “Once we find out someone has a criminal history of dishonesty or breach of trust, we can no longer employ them.”

Please, can this same standard apply to Congress? I believe the American voter would wholeheartedly support it. Oh and even better, it would fall under the buzz word we hear so often from Washington. It would truly be a “bipartisan” agreement!

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