This New Year, I’m Proud to Be Me


It’s no wonder people have such a low self-esteem nowadays. All the magazines I see being sold have nothing but flawless people on the covers. I was standing in a checkout line at my favorite grocery store, when I saw a women’s magazine with a bold headline, “How to Get Men to Notice You!” The beautiful woman on the cover wore so little clothing that she looked like her laundry hamper was a thimble. The absurdity caught my eye. If most people looked this way, would they have to buy the magazine for enlightenment?

What we need to do today is take a moment to acknowledge what you like about yourself. The second thing you need to do is share this information with a close friend or significant other. My wife and I are opposites. She’s so small she has to run around the shower to get wet. Me on the other hand? Well let’s just say that my insurance company wants me to live on members of the plywood family, celery and carrots for the rest of my life.

Our society is a little off course. We label people as if they were a can of Campbell’s soup. Everyone must fit into our template in which the rules change frequently. If my hair is long, I’m a renegade, if I wear polyester, I’m a nerd. If I have a tattoo, I need to have a parrot on my should and I need to say, arrgh matey often! If I’m underweight, I’m anorexic. Overweight, people lose respect for me. The list could go on and on.

Something I find positive about having added girth is I give good directions. Whatever you do, don’t ask a skinny person for directions if you’re lost. A conversation with them would go something like this:
“Can you tell me how to get to upper Forks?” Skinny person, “Why yes, “take a jog six miles west until you hit the historical marker. Shortly after it, make a right at the tamarack tree on Pine and Elm, and when you get to the old Elmer Sizemore farm, it’s 200 yards past it behind a giant fern.”

Now, ask an overweight person the same question, and this is what you get. “Travel two blocks till you come to Burger King. A block past it, make a right at the Dunkin Donuts, pass Dairy Queen, and it will be there on the right across from Starbucks.”
You see, much easier!

A story is told of three couples who attempting to rekindle the romance and self esteem missing in their relationship, attended a weekend marriage seminar. The instructor actively encouraged each couple to attempt to be more loving. He told the men that during the lunch break, they had to begin fanning the embers of their wife’s desire by saying something romantic. The trio of three couples now seated around the table, the women each wondered what their husband would say.

Seizing the moment, the first husband desperate for approval said to his wife, “Pass the sugar, Sugar.” And they kissed passionately. The second husband not to be outdone said to his wife slowly with a lot of annunciation, “I want the honey, Honey.” They too began to kiss passionately. The third husband still overloaded from all the days information said, “Pass the tea, bag.”

This serves to prove that despite all the training you may have to do on behalf of your kids or spouse, don’t be discouraged. They still may get it one day. I suggest that you take yourself out, sit down, and write something nice about yourself. If your spouse is like the 3rd husband, you deserve it.

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My Favorite New Years Cartoon


New Years Resolution

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Getting Older Means More Practical


This is a re-post from earlier this summer.

You know, the worse part about getting older is you lose your spontaneity and become practical. The same person who would accept nothing less than the most creative gift as a teenager, is now years later the same one who gets ecstatic when they are given a rotary nose hair clipper for Christmas.

I recall as a youth at the stroke of midnight New Years Eve, I’d watch fireworks and walk around town with friends blowing long plastic trumpets that sounded like Big Horn Sheep choking on peanut butter. To me, this was revelry and excitement. Now on New Years Eve, I play Scrabble with my wife, down warm milk, and retire to my egg crate mattress by 9 pm. I’ve determined that as a teenager, I was optimistic for the New Year for it’s surprises. Which girl would I date, what job would I gain. Now that I’m older, the surprises are still there but it centers around, will I have to trade in my hair trimmer for an ear weed-whacker to stay ahead of the jungle, will I look like Benny Hill in my bathing suit come spring, or how many times will I make a trek to the porcelain goddess (bathroom) each night?

If you’re not sure as to whether you’re getting old, the tell tale signs of aging can be found in your bathroom magazine rack. If there is a Lego magazine beside your toilet take heart, you have nothing to worry about. However if your magazine is a health journal and it’s opened and circled at the article, “Fiber, the toothpick for your soul”, start worrying.

I laugh at a recent catalog that appeared in our mail. It offered every type device or product, short of plastic surgery, on how to look younger. I saw a mouth tension bar that closely resembled a Kegel exerciser for your face. It’s meant to remove wrinkles and laugh lines. How about scotch tape that you place at your hairline or other sagging part that offers you an invigorating lift for the day. Presumably the product is to be used for your 30th high school reunion. The best product appeared to be a chin springboard you add weights too. It’s purpose is to achieve a tightened neck waddle. The scariest part of this equipment was while your face is in traction, you resemble the Orkin Man.

No, I don’t need these products to make me feel better about myself. I embrace getting older because I no longer worry about peer pressure. I really don’t care what people think. I now find taking out the trash in my bathrobe and slippers with my hair looking like a quail, liberating. One day this week I may even take out the trash in my orange Hawaiian print shorts. Practical doesn’t always have to mean boring. I can take heart that at least I won’t wear the flashy shorts with black knee socks and sandals like you’d see in Boca Raton. I mean I do still have some class left. ๐Ÿ™‚

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That Out of Place Feeling


Some years ago our whole family visited a well known pizza establishment. We had as our guest one of our children’s friends. As we sat talking and deciding on what we wanted, the waitress brought us our beverages. As we sipped from our glasses, our guest blurted out the word, “Gross”! He then took out an ice cube from his glass and showed us that encased within one of the cubes, was the lifeless body of half a centipede. My daughter, whose sense of humor she acquired from good stock, promptly told him to smile. When he asked why, she said, “I think the other half is between your front teeth.” Despite the laughter, our guest finished the meal with nary a sip from his glass.

Have you ever felt at one time or another that you were as out of place as a centipede in an ice cube? Okay, maybe that was a stretch. Apologies for the pun (since centipedes are long)!

I think I understand more fully the biblical reference of being in the world but not of the world. I can’t help but feel at times as if I’m the centipede in the inappropriate place. I’m not in sync with the rest of the world. It’s even in the little things that occur in my life. I check my spam messages daily on my cell phone. You know the pesky, annoying emails that don’t apply to you? I get a message from belly fat blaster at least twice a day. Okay that one applies, but the rest don’t. I’m not interested in Russian or Asian singles, I don’t need nicotine patches, and I surely don’t need a tarot reading. Isn’t offering a minister a tarot reading like sending the Goldstein’s a Ham of the Month Club membership? Nope, I’m not interested, I just wish the world could understand this!

Over 2000 years ago in a quiet and darkened valley late one night, a host of angels illuminated the eastern sky and sang words to simple men that are as applicable today as they were then. “Peace on Earth, Goodwill Towards Men.” So how is that at this beautiful time of year, in light of the tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut, Hollywood releases three of the most violent films of the year? Do you think maybe this year, they are the centipede in the ice cube?

I may not be hip anymore, and my hair may be gray, but I grasp the obvious. People are desperate for peace. Isaiah 26:3 promises, “You (God) will keep in perfect peace those individuals whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.

This Christmas season, unlike the centipede, I want to be at the right setting and in the right place with my Maker. To do anything else would be as our friend stated with his ice cube centipede, “gross and not cool”!

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