Getting Older Means More Practical


This is a re-post from earlier this summer.

You know, the worse part about getting older is you lose your spontaneity and become practical. The same person who would accept nothing less than the most creative gift as a teenager, is now years later the same one who gets ecstatic when they are given a rotary nose hair clipper for Christmas.

I recall as a youth at the stroke of midnight New Years Eve, I’d watch fireworks and walk around town with friends blowing long plastic trumpets that sounded like Big Horn Sheep choking on peanut butter. To me, this was revelry and excitement. Now on New Years Eve, I play Scrabble with my wife, down warm milk, and retire to my egg crate mattress by 9 pm. I’ve determined that as a teenager, I was optimistic for the New Year for it’s surprises. Which girl would I date, what job would I gain. Now that I’m older, the surprises are still there but it centers around, will I have to trade in my hair trimmer for an ear weed-whacker to stay ahead of the jungle, will I look like Benny Hill in my bathing suit come spring, or how many times will I make a trek to the porcelain goddess (bathroom) each night?

If you’re not sure as to whether you’re getting old, the tell tale signs of aging can be found in your bathroom magazine rack. If there is a Lego magazine beside your toilet take heart, you have nothing to worry about. However if your magazine is a health journal and it’s opened and circled at the article, “Fiber, the toothpick for your soul”, start worrying.

I laugh at a recent catalog that appeared in our mail. It offered every type device or product, short of plastic surgery, on how to look younger. I saw a mouth tension bar that closely resembled a Kegel exerciser for your face. It’s meant to remove wrinkles and laugh lines. How about scotch tape that you place at your hairline or other sagging part that offers you an invigorating lift for the day. Presumably the product is to be used for your 30th high school reunion. The best product appeared to be a chin springboard you add weights too. It’s purpose is to achieve a tightened neck waddle. The scariest part of this equipment was while your face is in traction, you resemble the Orkin Man.

No, I don’t need these products to make me feel better about myself. I embrace getting older because I no longer worry about peer pressure. I really don’t care what people think. I now find taking out the trash in my bathrobe and slippers with my hair looking like a quail, liberating. One day this week I may even take out the trash in my orange Hawaiian print shorts. Practical doesn’t always have to mean boring. I can take heart that at least I won’t wear the flashy shorts with black knee socks and sandals like you’d see in Boca Raton. I mean I do still have some class left. 🙂

About enthusiasmiscontagious

I am an individual who analyzes all facets of life in the hopes of squeezing out some of the humorous parts.
This entry was posted in The Lighter Side Newspaper column and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

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