Get a Bigger Bottle

Posted on February 12, 2013 by enthusiasmiscontagious

Have you ever felt the world was out of touch? Oh, I know you will immediately conjure your own thoughts about my last statement but let me explain.

I entered the kitchen bleary eyed from a poor nights sleep. My mattress is like a cube of sugar in your cup of coffee, “How many lumps do you want in it?” I guess I’m getting old too fast. You know it’s true when you bend over to get something and you make the same noise a coffee maker makes when its brewing. So I settle in at the table and pull out my Skittle’s box. It’s what I call the little box that contains all my vitamins and medicine. You do this because your memory gets worse every day. The worse part is it gets worse every day.

I’m so boring. I look down at my box, and get excited because one pill now comes in pink. Oh, and the vitamin looks like a horse pill on steroids. No matter that you have to take it with the slimiest beverage you can so it won’t get caught in your throat. Each pill (according to the manufacturer) promises me vitality, strength, and sanity. The added benefit is it also wards off scurvy and rickets. This gives me peace if I get a whim to set sail for an obscure European nation on a schooner.

As I open my new bottle with a pipe wrench and jack hammer (the bottle is childproof you know) I turn it around to read the ingredients. If the senior vitamins are indeed for seniors, why can the writing only be seen with a microscope? No lie, did the person in charge of the vitamin label work at the mint placing, “In God We Trust” on pennies?”

This is where I believe the manufacturer is out of touch. If I’m going to take a pill with everything in it from Lutein to protein, why don’t they want me to read the label? Will I find the words, “No laboratory rats were harmed in the testing of your vitamin?” I mean they make potato chip bags five times bigger than their contents, why don’t they do this on items for older people?

I get jumpy each week when new items get added to my diet. I learn I need to have more anti-oxidants. Apparently all these years I’ve been pro-oxidant. Instead of ingesting Melatonin, I smell like melaleuca (tea tree oil). Alright the lesson here today is, get bigger bottles! Unless you’re in New York City, then it can’t be over 16 ounces. Which brings me back again to the issue of smaller bottles. I see a vicious cycle. Forget it, I can complain all I want and it won’t get any better. I’m just going to start calling my Vitamins “Vita-Moans.”

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Read My Lips, No New Taxes

Posted on February 11, 2013 by enthusiasmiscontagious

I simply don’t get it.The American public is as fickle as Kim Kardashian’s choice of men. I know little things matter because I see people fight over them all the time. Parking spaces near the mall, Black Friday waiting lines, and Netflix price increases. The list could go on and on. I laugh when the price of gas drops a mere .5-cents and people will drive across town just to save .75-cents on a full tank of gas. It doesn’t matter that it cost $5 extra to make the trip. What matters is they believe they saved money.

So I am at a loss when political leaders openly and vociferously call for new taxes, and no one says anything. Two decades ago, George Bush Sr. lost his bid for a second term because he reneged on a promise of no new taxes. So what exactly has changed with Americans since that time? It can’t be because we’re all flush with cash.

Considering my own personal budget, I’m not sure I could handle one more increase on anything. Oh I know the postage stamp only climbed a penny, but where does it end? In the past four years gasoline has increased 158 %, electricity 43 %, margarine 143%, orange juice 46% eggs 73 %, and healthcare costs 23% and they’re still all climbing. The next question, has your income kept up with your costs so you can pay (as the President says) your fair share of taxes?

Just last month, workers from around the country got a goose egg in their paychecks. They learned their income will be $1000 lighter in order to cover new payroll tax fees. Yet there has been hardly a ripple by Americans angry at the new unexpected burden.

I’m not ready to change the nations symbol of Uncle Sam and put him in a barrel and suspenders, but it can’t be long. This week as I was in a discount store, I had the misfortune of walking behind a woman with a child in tow that had all the restraint of a tornado. Dashing here and there and screaming when he didn’t get his way, it made me want to pour a bucket of green slime from Nickelodeon all over him just to get his attention and make him be quiet.

The reason this little megaphone with spindly legs kept screaming is it was readily apparent that no one had ever said no to him. I wonder what would happen if we collectively as a nation told our legislators NO for once; No new taxes, No new spending.

I believe if that happened, the screaming child in front of me would serve as the perfect example of what a congressman would do. Come to think of it, a congressman reverting to childish behavior? Who would believe that?

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Bathroom Stalls et al

Posted on February 8, 2013 by enthusiasmiscontagious

It’s wonderful to experience the handiwork of a talented artisan. To sit on a beautiful creation like a treasured bench or chair. Or maybe to gaze upon the splendor of a mosaic tile creation that a creator took pride making. These are the individuals who impress and inspire me.

There are some who can even make a mundane job appear exciting. But the one job that leaves me with a less than stellar job appreciation rating is the road side rest area maintenance worker. Why you ask? Because of one simple error that is made by 99% of all of them. Why do they always and I mean always, place the metal toilet paper dispenser parallel with the toilet seat where your leg needs to be? If you have a bottom bigger than a 1 year old, prepare to conduct business side saddle.

About ten years ago, I envision a conversation going something like this between two workers. “Joe, you know what would be a hoot? Let’s make a fraternity of road side guys like us who can make a rest stop bathroom experience as much fun as a root canal without Novocaine. We could make every visitor using the bathroom be a contortionist. We could invent a new game called bathroom twister!” “Yeah that would be awesome” says the second guy, “And while we’re at it, let’s also raise the urinals so that you have to be a member of the Cleveland Cavaliers basketball team to use them. Ha ha!” “Even better, in the ladies room, lets place the toilet paper so far away that you have to have to genuflect to get to it.”

I cringe each time I visit these “fine” establishments. I’m almost at the point where I’d rather wear a NASA diaper (the kind astronauts wear) so I won’t have to stop on my 3-day cross country excursion.

Are there any positives about rest area restrooms? I do have a little fun when I visit them, I leave signs above all the hand blowers that say, “Press for a 3-minute prerecorded message from your congressman.” You have to find something to make your journey laughable?

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I’m a valued Customer

Posted on February 5, 2013 by enthusiasmiscontagious

I was visiting a local business here in town and though I was early, my wait still surpassed three hours. I walked up to the receptionist and said, “May I offer you a suggestion?” The receptionist clearly in a sour mood said curtly, “Yes”. I said, “it would be nice if in the future you had a sign that offered the wait times like you’d see at an amusement park ride.” I added, “that way we could come back later when there is not a long line.” Instead of an apology for wasting my whole morning, the woman with sarcasm as thick as honey replied, “If you don’t like it, go somewhere else!”

I took her suggestion and I have never returned. I bet if I were to go back for a visit, that same person with all the charm of an alligator needing a root canal, would still be working there. When was the last time a customer service person wowed you? I can just hear you say, “I’m thinking, I’m thinking.” Well today I can crow that one company’s customer care people listened to me and they answered back in a hurry.

I used to travel extensively and stay in all types of hotels. I’ve been a frequent stay member of four hotel chains and I still get fussy when the service is less than stellar. I laugh because in one chain, I stayed so many times, I achieved platinum status. They sent me certificates to give to employees at future stays who recognized my “elite status”. In all the years I had been a member, never once did I ever give one out. It appeared the front desk clerk was more interested in my credit card than my membership card.

This past holiday, we had to travel through the great state of Texas, the Lone Star State. I learned the recent oil boom significantly raised the price of hotels in the Midland-Odessa area. We decided to stop at one of my favorite chains, Best Western. I like this chain because not only are their prices competitive, but when you get a room with two beds, it’s usually queen size beds. Thank goodness too because double beds feel so narrow, I feel as if I’m sleeping on a railroad tie.

My story really starts in Big Spring, Texas. Named in 1882 after a big spring, it is most famous for it’s location along the old Comanche Indian War Trail. It was here at the Best Western that my family of four bedded for the night. Though the beds were comfortable, other issues with the stay had me writing a letter to the corporate office of Best Western to lodge a complaint. I was not prepared for how proactive the company was with concerns.

This morning, not only did I receive a personal phone call from corporate customer relations, but this evening I received an additional personal phone call from the owner of the hotel. I learned his name was a variation of the name Elijah. Disappointed for me that my stay was not memorable, he offered to reimburse me the money for my stay. I declined.

We had a pleasant conversation further about his hotel and what his standards of customer service were. All I know, is he won me over with his candor and kindness. I promised him the next time I traveled through Big Spring, I was going to stay at his hotel again.

“How could I not”, I told him. As a Pastor, I teach about second chances all the time. I’m not sure I’ll ever meet this man personally and that’s sad. But one thing I do know, we need a lot more businessmen who know his way of doing business. He reached out and gave me the personal touch and in so doing, he renewed my faith that someone actually still values their customers.

Wow, real customer service, attention to details. Did I fall sleep and wake up in a Norman Rockwell painting?

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