Get a Bigger Bottle


Have you ever felt the world was out of touch? Oh, I know you will immediately conjure your own thoughts about my last statement but let me explain.

I entered the kitchen bleary eyed from a poor nights sleep. My mattress is like a cube of sugar in your cup of coffee, “How many lumps do you want in it?” I guess I’m getting old too fast. You know it’s true when you bend over to get something and you make the same noise a coffee maker makes when its brewing. So I settle in at the table and pull out my Skittle’s box. It’s what I call the little box that contains all my vitamins and medicine. You do this because your memory gets worse every day. The worse part is it gets worse every day.

I’m so boring. I look down at my box, and get excited because one pill now comes in pink. Oh, and the vitamin looks like a horse pill on steroids. No matter that you have to take it with the slimiest beverage you can so it won’t get caught in your throat. Each pill (according to the manufacturer) promises me vitality, strength, and sanity. The added benefit is it also wards off scurvy and rickets. This gives me peace if I get a whim to set sail for an obscure European nation on a schooner.

As I open my new bottle with a pipe wrench and jack hammer (the bottle is childproof you know) I turn it around to read the ingredients. If the senior vitamins are indeed for seniors, why can the writing only be seen with a microscope? No lie, did the person in charge of the vitamin label work at the mint placing, “In God We Trust” on pennies?”

This is where I believe the manufacturer is out of touch. If I’m going to take a pill with everything in it from Lutein to protein, why don’t they want me to read the label? Will I find the words, “No laboratory rats were harmed in the testing of your vitamin?” I mean they make potato chip bags five times bigger than their contents, why don’t they do this on items for older people?

I get jumpy each week when new items get added to my diet. I learn I need to have more anti-oxidants. Apparently all these years I’ve been pro-oxidant. Instead of ingesting Melatonin, I smell like melaleuca (tea tree oil). Alright the lesson here today is, get bigger bottles! Unless you’re in New York City, then it can’t be over 16 ounces. Which brings me back again to the issue of smaller bottles. I see a vicious cycle. Forget it, I can complain all I want and it won’t get any better. I’m just going to start calling my Vitamins “Vita-Moans.”

About enthusiasmiscontagious

I am an individual who analyzes all facets of life in the hopes of squeezing out some of the humorous parts.
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3 Responses to Get a Bigger Bottle

  1. Tesa says:

    “You know it’s true when you bend over to get something and you make the same noise a coffee maker makes when its brewing.” I just can’t get past that sentence….. I have had several coffee makers and the latest is Arthur who does French pressing in total silence. Although he occasionally kisses me…. and that’s noise of some sorts……

  2. We live in a world where Diet Pepsi is less expensive that bottled water. Do you really want to know what’s in your totally unregulated vitamins? I’m just happy I can still open the dang things without a jack hammer. Very funny.. and true.

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