Dispelling Three Myths

A repost from July 2012

All my life, I have walked the fine line of mundane. I do three things daily not because of their importance, but rather because I’ve always done them a particular way. The worse part is I don’t know why!

For instance, how many of us, despite the power of our subconscious, fail to remove tickets attached to our pillows or mattresses? You know, the ones that say in big bold letters, “Under penalty of law cannot be removed? ” I know, it looks so ominous and official, so naturally we think we’ll get in trouble if we remove the annoying thing.

Myth #1: 3 am, Knock, Knock, Knock, “Open Up!” “Hurry Agnes, get the duct tape, it’s the Mattress Police. Where in the world did you place all those blasted tags?” “I don’t know, I think I took one to work the other day to show the office how tough I was!” “YOU WHAT?”

Reality: A mattress devoid of its tag looks like your 102-year old Aunt Edna with her blue tinged wig. Yes it looks silly, but hey you’re used to it.

Myth #2 Men are always told when marrying a woman they should look at the mother of the bride. The reasoning, one day the bride will look exactly like her mother.

Reality: Actually, this is not a myth! It’s just that you have to spend the remainder of your marital existence denying, while she gets ready in front of the mirror, that she is not morphing into her mother.

Myth #3 A daily change of underwear is paramount to success.

Have you ever asked your 30 year-old son if he’s changed his underwear? The reason you ask is because you’d be embarrassed if he got into an accident and the emergency room staff would see him. Which reminds me, how many nurses take time out to write someone’s mother?

” Dear Mrs. Jones, I thought you should know that your son embarrassed his family lineage today. He wore a pair of boxer shorts into our ER that looked they’d been used as a battle flag in the War of 1812. It also pains me to have to tell you that…egads… they were, well let’s just say that parts weren’t in their original color and design. Please move out of state, change your name, save yourself!”

Reality: Even if you wore a clean pair of underwear, wouldn’t a near miss with an oncoming cement truck initiate the need for a new pair?

So what have we learned today from the three myths of life? Go ahead, live dangerously! Rip the offending tags off our old mattresses and wear the same shorts for two days if you like. But whatever you do, don’t tell your wife she is looking like her mother. It’s okay to live life on the edge once and a while, but NOT recklessly.

About enthusiasmiscontagious

I am an individual who analyzes all facets of life in the hopes of squeezing out some of the humorous parts.
This entry was posted in The Lighter Side Newspaper column and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Dispelling Three Myths

  1. Ray Hawk says:

    John, talk about a belly laugh. I really, really enjoyed this article. OK, I enjoy them all. I usually forget and then have to catch up. But, it’s so much fun!!

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