There is nothing more horrifying than being asked a question by your wife and you are clueless to it’s answer. Or maybe the answer is obvious but your deathly afraid of making it known. I know you know the kind of question I’m referring. The kind where she comes out of the bedroom in a new dress and says, “Does this make my backside look huge?” And with a trembling voice you respond, “Compared to what?” That’s when you know the romantic evening you had planned has now gone up in flames like the Hindenburg.

I fancy myself as a romantic at times. But if you listened to my wife, I think she believes that I have all the romance of a dog groomer. I’m grateful her bark is worse than her bite. When we walked down the aisle 29 years ago and professed our love for each other, I never recalled that the vows included the words, “Will you be as suave as James Bond, and as romantic as Fabio in a yogurt commercial?”

While getting ready to go out recently, I missed the sequence where she longingly and wistfully stared in the mirror and pined for the days when she was vivaciously young. Turning to me as I walked into the bedroom, she wanted reassurance and asked, “Does my crows feet look bad?” Oblivious to where she was going with her line of questioning, I responded, “No, besides no one will notice if you’re wearing closed toed shoes.” The lump on my head only lasted three days after that comment.

I’m reminded of a truth that is found in a popular story. A young bride scared on her wedding day, stood trembling at the church doors. She didn’t know if she would have the courage to continue. Her mother sensing her hesitancy said, “You must compartmentalize the wedding service.” She advised, “You must think only of the aisle and walking down it. Say to yourself quietly, “aisle”. Second, half way down the aisle look toward the altar and say “altar”. Finally, listen to the music and the designated hymn. When you hear the hymn, ascend the stage and grasp your groom’s hand. You’ll be fine and remain focused if you say all three of these words as you come down the center aisle”

Moments later as the doors of the sanctuary swung open and the bride walked down the aisle. Family and friends began to snicker as she inadvertently spoke a little too loudly the all important words she was to repeat. “Aisle, Altar, Hymn. I’ll alter him.”

My wife’s ambition of altering me into becoming her dream man may still be decades away. Just yesterday she asked me, “how come you don’t buy me flowers anymore. I blurted out, ” I almost did today, but the light turned green.”

I recovered from that exchange so all’s not lost. I still have a date with a cute little blond this weekend. I’m camping with the family dog.