Gas Can Scam


Working as a substitute teacher for a brief time I was amused at the excuses young people would give for not having their homework in on time. The dog ate it, somebody hit a tree taking out a power line so they had no electricity to run it off. Or my favorite, my grandmother was sick. If I had believed half the bad luck stories my kids told me, I would have thought someone had stolen all their rabbit feet, broken every mirror in their house and been terrorized by crazed unicorns. Their stories were never convincing!

If you’ve driven up to the pumps lately you’re well aware that the prices have gone as high as a politician’s promises. It never ceases to amaze me the stories the oil refineries tell to justify our wallet gouging.

I have been buying gas for over three decades and if it wasn’t so angering it would be amusing. I imagine greedy executives sitting in a boardroom with a Rolodex of excuses with one man saying, “Spin the thing so we can tell the press which excuse to run with this week.” The problem is, they’ve used the same excuses for so long, they now lack imagination.

Like a soap opera producer that uses a kidnapping or brain tumor amnesia plot for the umpteenth time, we have to hear this week that refineries are shifting from winter blend to summer blend so inventory is low. Really? Summer blend? Considering the northern part of the country won’t see a blade of grass until May, and Vermonters this morning took 30 minutes to chop their dogs free from fire hydrants because it was below zero, are you kidding?

“Okay Plan B, let’s tell them we had a refinery fire or that we are closing plants for annual maintenance. This irritates me as much as road crews blocking off all lanes but one during Thanksgiving rush hour. Why now?

No, I see oil executives the same way I see car mechanics. As soon as they see me, no matter what my car’s problem, I envision them calling their wive’s and saying, “Honey, book the cruise, we just had a sucker come in.” The oil execs finish each day by boasting, “The American people don’t realize that they’re a bunch of rubes”

I think as an American, if there are hearings on these executives and politicians concerning all their shenanigans, I want the character Eyore from Winnie the Pooh to speak for me. His attitude after all this, sounds like mine, unenthusiastic. And frankly, a talking donkey is the only character these people could ever understand.

About enthusiasmiscontagious

I am an individual who analyzes all facets of life in the hopes of squeezing out some of the humorous parts.
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