I am not a fan of Halloween. I do see one scant benefit. It’s the only time of year where being exceedingly ugly garners you more popularity than anyone else, and you get candy. Actually I don’t understand all the hype. If you really want to be scared, bring your flashlight to my house, go into a closet and I’ll show you my checkbook. In fact skip the flashlight, even with the lights on, my bank ledger makes my wife scream.

So, what scares Americans this time of year? A walk in the cemetery at midnight? Your mother-in-law announces she’s moving in with you? Now that should send a shudder down anyone’s spine.

We all understand fears; spiders, snakes, Yankee’s with U-Hauls, but an airplane? Have you noticed the size of airplane seats today? Despite the fact that the American posterior is expanding faster than donut dough in a frying pan, the airline industry plans on shrinking seat sizes to add more seats. I am wondering if a five foot shoe horn and a five gallon bucket of Vaseline that it will take to fit me into my seat will be allowed as a carry-on?

Don’t let my less than rosy opinion of airlines spook you. Listen to what the website “Smarter Travel” said about airline service this week. Water in the plane holding tanks can be sourced in foreign locations, thus the water and coffee served by the airlines can have an increased risk of serious bacterial infection.

The article stated airplane bathrooms are deplorable. Almost every spot in the bathroom tested positive for E. coli. It’s not that much safer in the cabin either. Ever see a mommy change her baby’s diaper on a tray table? That may explain why 60% of all tray tables tested positive for the superbug MRSA. My carry-on will now be made exclusively of wet wipes?

Well at least the hardware of the plane is safe, right? Well not according to a number of passengers who flew on American Airlines recently. Mid-flight their seats unbolted from the floor. I’ll give the airline a pass on this as long as any seat that comes loose in the future serves to eject unruly passengers, children or obnoxious Yankee Fans.

And finally, recent incidents of adrenalin rushes on planes include; escaped snakes, cheetahs, mice, scorpions, and cockroaches.

I think next time I fly I’ll dress up like a cast member of the Wizard of Oz. Lions, and Tigers, and Bears oh my!