When God created man, He said in a booming voice, “Man shall not live alone!” He didn’t elaborate why. This past week, it became perfectly clear. I discovered that if a man is left alone for a single day, he regresses into infantile helplessness. I mean, how is it that in the same house I’ve lived in for years, I can’t find soap, toilet paper, sugar, or anything else now that I’m alone?
I remember the first night my wife called me while she was away. I felt as if she were belittling me with her questions. The exchange went something like this.
Wife: “Hi Honey, did you get your color-coded knee socks I stapled to the cork board, the tie I wrapped around the rear-view mirror of the car, and the underwear over the lamp so you wouldn’t forget anything?”
Husband: “Yes Dear, but why was my toothbrush in the refrigerator”?
Wife: “It was the likely place. You’d reach for the brush after you put the milk away.”
Husband: “Honey please!, I think I’m big enough to brush my teeth without you telling me!”
Wife: “The way you cut corners, I figured you’d gargle with Polident so you wouldn’t have to brush. Besides, I want you to look good for work tomorrow. Oh, I forgot to iron you a shirt didn’t I?”
Husband: “That’s okay Dear, I placed one of my shirts between two pieces of plywood and ran the car over it multiple times. You’d be amazed, it almost looks like you ironed it except for a few splinters!”
Wife: “YOU WHAT?”
Husband: “By the way Honey, do you know why the washing machine turned all my underwear pink? Are you supposed to separate the colors?”
The bottom line is my wife is cutting her trip short to her Mother’s and enrolling me in a series of classes for dysfunctional men. Monday is “Intro to Laundry, Tuesday is “Sorting 1A” (it used to be called Advanced Laundry), Wednesday is “Football-A Disease”, Thursday is “Garbage to Dumpster Techniques”, and Friday is “Remote Dependency-Yes you can overcome it”
Maybe man was meant to live alone once and a while. My wife agrees, it’s called camping.