The Cure for Situational High Blood Pressure

Posted on August 23, 2012 by enthusiasmiscontagious

With my wife away on family business, I received a call from a buddy who invited me out for dinner. Don’t you just love after a frenetic day taking a quiet moment to eat with friends? I took him up on the offer and arrived at my favorite restaurant. Though the service was slow, we still enjoyed updating each other on our busy work day in a quiet setting.

Moments later, a family of four; three woman and a child entered and sat nearby our table. If a child could be channeled by the Tasmanian Devil cartoon character, this child was it. Running up and down around the tables and screaming for all he was worth (he was about 4 or 5), the young mother tried with little enthusiasm or success to corral and hold him still. He jumped over the backs of the booths to the other side, he hung upside down off the chairs. He did everything one could hope if his aim was to make all of us desire a one way ticket to Trembling Hills Asylum.

Around the tables of the restaurant, I am confident each of us had the very same thought. We all had reason to give thanks that this ‘cherub’ with the bent halo bypassed our family trees.

Even now I continue to be stunned at the thoughtless parents who simply don’t care or don’t get it when it comes to unruly children. Maybe I’m a little old fashioned. I look at a parent and wonder why do you allow your child to be the equivalent of a natural disaster? I firmly believe in ancient Egypt if Moses had this child when he went to free his people, he could have saved himself six plagues.

I have asked myself over and over again, how do I deal with a problem child and a family that doesn’t care about how it affects the rest of us? How do I get my point across with minimal stress to me? I found it at Walmart for $8. It’s an air horn in a can. You know, the kind of noise maker boaters use when in distress? Wouldn’t you love to walk up to a table that’s totally ruined your meal and make your point with conviction? You simply walk over, depress the little button on your can, and create a blast for the offending family that not only parts their hair, but can be heard in Wyoming? Do I have your attention now?

How about other uses like silly family arguments at Thanksgiving? ….long honking blast! Children fighting on vacation…..honk! In-laws complaining about your cooking…..honk! Couch Potato husband who won’t fix the sink?….double honk during the football game! Yes I’m well aware that this won’t win you points with your Pastor, but I know you’re smiling.

Okay, okay, it’s all a dream, but the image still has me grinning from ear to ear. Funny, my blood pressure’s dropped 50 points just dreaming about it too! 🙂

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Being Foalish

Posted on August 22, 2012 by enthusiasmiscontagious

Have you ever heard a story that makes you shake your head and say, “What were they thinking?” I remember years ago reading about a man who’s ladder was too short? Thinking he’d paint the rear eaves of the house anyway, he tied one end of the rope around his waist then threw the rope over the roof and tied the other end to the car rear bumper in the front driveway. You guessed it. The wife needed something at the store. She came out the house, hopped in the car and promptly put her foot to the metal and took off for the market.

The man immediately went airborne as he catapulted over the house fell two stories and was dragged down the street. He was finally noticed by his wife when she happened to look in the rear view mirror as he dodged manhole covers and bounced off curbs. Do I dare make the pun, that despite his injuries, he additionally got the shingles when he face planted across the roof?

Now it seems the same mentality of “good ideas” is running the city government in Detroit. News reports Monday said despite the fact that the city water and sewer department had no horses, it employs a Horseshoer. The job description according to the city is “to shoe horses and to do general blacksmith work … and to perform related work as required.” This description was last updated in 1967.

Yet even with a city so in the red that it is teetering on bankruptcy, it has a horseshoer and no horses. The local union president when pressed said about the job, “it is not possible” to eliminate the position.

A freedom of information request showed the city is not horsing around when it comes to the salary either. It pays $56,245 annually in salary and benefits for this one horseless job. I think the city of Detroit needs a better proofreader in the office. They’ve proven the old adage is true, “there’s a fool born every minute. Sadly, they think the second ‘o’ in the word fool is an ‘a’.

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I Want Something New

Posted on August 21, 2012 by enthusiasmiscontagious

I was in the store the other day and a magazine headline caught my eye, it said, “New tricks to drive your man wild”. I laughed because this article has no merit, is anything really new? If the world is millions of years old according to some (I prefer a far lesser number like 7000), why are we always looking for something new?

There is no doubt in my mind that one bright day five thousand years ago, little Amenhotep rushed into the family home asking to borrow his father’s chariot for a “new” entertainment event. I also know without a shadow of a doubt that he received a stern lecture from his Dad about the “good old days” and there is, “nothing new, it’s a fad”. The conversation ends with the Father sternly warning, “Fill the horse up with the premium stuff before you go. Last time you borrowed it, you gave him bad hay and brought him back on empty. I had emission control problems for three days.”

Some years ago, a radio commercial aired with the words; “The more things change, the more they remain the same.” In the British newspaper, The Daily Mail, readers learned over the weekend that researchers can successfully predict where you’re going to be tomorrow and the next day based on the study of your Smart Phone data. The data they say is so exacting, that the margin of error is under 60 feet. We have become so predictable, that researchers know our patterns and the places we will go within feet, days in advance. Imagine the privacy concerns with this technology?

I decided to skew my data, try something new. I visited a community church down the street from my house. The people were pleasant and the message was timely. However we did something that churches since 1674 have done every week; we sang the doxology when the offering was collected.

I believe one reason we’re always seeking a new “thing” in life is that it fills something missing in our souls. We want a little excitement,we want to think that we’re a groundbreaking renegade.

Yes, I know church can be monotonous at times and yes I know the doxology is a great song, but I have a novel idea, can we sing something new? I mean after all, we’ve only been doing it for 338 years. How about “I Surrender All”? With this new song, we might even see an increase in offerings. The good news, it’s 222 years newer. 🙂

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Why so many Decisions?

Posted on August 20, 2012 by enthusiasmiscontagious

The other day I was sent on a simple trip. I was to go to the local department store after work and pick up a bottle of shampoo for my daughter. An easy task right? Hardly! Do you ever have a day when making one more decision is just one to many?

I arrived at the hair care aisle totally unprepared. I found shampoos with wheat germ, lemon seed extract, thistle slivers, avocado, crushed aloe, cocoa butter, almond paste, guava oil, and honey. I even found shampoos with wildflower oils in it. It’s no wonder that in the summer, bees want to pollinate my head. How about musk oil? I still hate to think where this oil comes from since the only origin I know is from an ox gland. I even found a shampoo called Mane and Tail that can be used safely by humans and animals alike. How comforting to know that if I choose, I can take a shower with my gelding. I ask myself, does a hair follicle really know the difference between the 97-cent Acme brand and the $12 Papaya Permeating Petal Dew brand?

When was the last time a handsome man sat next to you, took a deep breath of your essence and passionately whispered, “You must have washed your hair in a non-allergenic, body building, anti-global warming floral scented, hibiscus based pear juice shampoo.” I don’t think so! Unless it smells like microwave popcorn, save your money. Men aren’t going to notice your shampoo unless it comes in a souvenir football helmet and smells like WD-40.

I laugh at various manufacturers who use everything from supermodels to cartoon characters to tout their products. As if a bottle with the Tasmanian Devil on it would make me rush down to my local hair care center. I am still looking for a bottle that says, “If your hair sticks up like a pair of antlers, try Bullwinkle Mousse.”

Decisions can overwhelm us in the simplest of tasks. Consider clothes washing for instance. Aside from the separation of colors and which soap to use, recent women’s magazines tout the fact that if you are single, laundromats are the best place to find a man. I hate to burst some bubbles, but if a man is over 30 and doesn’t yet own a washing machine, shouldn’t this raise a caution flag? I wonder if the same magazines say the tell-tale sign of a good male prospect is a ten dollar roll of quarters?

Just think about how many decisions we are forced to make each and every day. The very moment I sit for breakfast I have to choose between eight cereal brands, when I shower-three soaps, cologne-five, parking places at work-40, priority list at work-15, where to eat at lunch-25, routes home-3. It’s no wonder when I get home the only thing I want to decide is whether I want to turn on my electric blanket now or later. Now if I could only decide when to go to bed 9 pm or 10 pm? Another decision, Oh, no, I’m doing it again!

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