Life is But a Garden


Imagine if you will, a day when no useless information flows into your head. Impossible isn’t it? Due to the modern medium of television and internet, our generation has more brain debris to wade through than any of our forefathers.

I was eating breakfast this week and watching a news show. The information they shared among many items included the high temperature of Istanbul. Since the majority of us don’t commute or work in Turkey, I asked myself, why are we even bombarded with this useless drivel?

Let me show you what I’m talking about. Today I learned Kim Kardashian is pregnant do I care? I learned that doggy doo DNA is being extracted from lawn samples so a condo company in Florida can trace guilty dog owners to their offending dog. How about a robotic squirrel? A National Science Foundation grant was used to create a realistic-looking robotic squirrel for the purpose of studying how a rattlesnake would react to it. $325,000 was spent on this robotic squirrel named “Robo-Squirrel.”

The torrent of information I described above occurred in just one day. So, why do I remember these things? I can’t tell you. It’s one of those unexplained quirks in my life. The object is, while the news media sows, we have to weed. Which brings me to my final analogy. If life is a garden full of information, where does the fertilizer come in? Oh forget it, we all know there is more fertilizer than any of our gardens can handle, and for most of us, we know where it comes from too.

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Where is my Million?


How many times have you opened a newspaper or magazine and seen the picture of a nerdy individual who had made the easiest of inventions and pocketed a tidy sum? Then as you dwell on the inventor’s gadget or thing, you kick yourself for not having thought of it yourself? Excluding the pet rock craze, I mean who could have envisioned Americans were so stupid? Okay, strike that last comment!

I have now decided that my next endeavor is to think of useful inventions that would benefit mankind and place a few big bucks in my pocket as well.

My first invention would be a motion detector for the refrigerator. It would set off an alarm each and every time your “circumference enhanced” (politically correct term for chubby) husband raids the fridge on his midnight snack run.

Second, since most people have a stationary exercise bike being used as a closet hanger, I’d rig up a generator to the front tire. The tire, if spinning at the speed of light, could power a big screen television. The TV would only work when the bike is peddled. The object of this would mean, when you’re watching your favorite TV show, your life would become it’s own soap opera, “Days of our Thighs.” Or better yet, if your husband is getting flabby, make him ride it during the Miss USA Pageant. He’d easily do 33 miles during the swimsuit portion of the show.

Third, how about an anti-theft device for errant umbrellas? When that pesky umbrella is taken from the office foyer by a thoughtless bum, the stem would immediately have the consistency of spaghetti and become useless. I would offer a delay of three minutes so the thief would get totally wet when the umbrella collapses.

Even now, I think of the riches in store for the person who can make a rice cake (a member of the packing peanut family) taste like a Moon Pie. Fun and fiber, what else could a person want?

Finally, I’d love to see a gallon of milk with a self-closing spring action flip-top lid. How many milk jugs do you have around the house without lids? Me too! Now if I could just develop a self closing bread bag. I’d be all set.

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The World is Shrinking


I encountered a phenomenon that has me baffled. The World is shrinking. My wife bought me a dress shirt for Christmas. The label was correct. The size and arm length was my usual size. Except when I put if on, I looked like an imposing white Incredible Hulk character. The shirt gapped and was so tight, the buttons looked dangerously ready to explode. I’m sure if I had exhaled, the buttons would have jettisoned like a bottle rocket after ignition and put someones eye out. The sleeves were were four inches to short. Hats off to the Sri Lankan cotton worker who had me in mind when he sewed this masterpiece. I’m sure he was following a pattern. I’m almost certain that his primary thought racing through his mind was, “Is America full of Humpty Dumpty figures with elfin arms?” Sorry, buddy, I’m not one of them!

If you think its only clothes that are shrinking, try again. I was drinking my favorite orange juice this morning when I discovered something sinister. Though the bottle remained the same size as it always had, the content had shrunk 5 ounces. How could that be? It was then that I noticed the sneaky way the company achieved the same look. The bottom of the bottle was concave recessing upward. Same bottle, less product, I was duped.

We all know the false advertising of potato chip bags, but they are getting worse. I love how they boldly state, “some contents settle during shipping and handling”. Yet upon opening the bag, the chips amount to only 20% of the whole interior of the bag. It reminded me of a number of people I met over the holidays. A lot of air, little content. I know the manufacturers want us to believe that excess air is strictly meant to keep chips from being broken. But the over abundance of it in potato chip bags could get a Faberge Egg delivered with nary a scratch.

If manufacturers are going to shrink the truth, why not sell mirrors that make you look thinner and taut. I know I’d buy one of those no matter the cost.

I am facing a sobering reality. Everything in my life is shrinking except my waistline and bills. I did however get a real bargain during the holidays that lifts my spirits and offers me a higher self esteem. I bought a bathroom scale that runs 30 pounds too light. Yes I know it’s defective, but I’m still taking it with me to Weight Watchers. I can still have a clean conscience. I’m not stretching the truth, I’m shrinking it.

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Does My Political Bent Need Straightening ?


In light of the much forewarned “Fiscal Cliff”. I feel the same way about it, as I did about the Mayan calendar. A lot of hype about absolutely nothing! I’m more torn up about the demise of Hostess. Now that the cliff has been averted, why do I feel like the guy who bought two pair of pants and a jacket then burned a hole in the jacket?

In the past four years what has our legislative leaders brought us? The Congressional budget office just reported that the new deal will add 4 trillion dollars in new debt over the next decade. News reports tout that the new 151-page bill was given to Senators a mere 3 minutes before the call to vote was given. Three minutes? Who can read anything in three minutes unless it comes with souvenir crayons?

How many more times must we see the passage of a prodigious bill with the caveat, “We have to pass the thing to know what’s in it?” Now two months after the election, my faith in electing an honest and hardworking congress is hanging in there like a hair in a biscuit.

This congress is best personified by a story that happened to my family. My parents were assisting a young married couple who were experiencing financial difficulties. My parents helped this poor couple who had sought their advice in tears. My mother sat down with them, helped them prioritize their bills and wrote a check to them to pay those bills.

The following week when they weren’t in church, my parents inquired where they were. Friends promptly said the couple had gone on vacation; the bills remained unpaid. To say my parents were annoyed was an understatement. Angry is more like it. I felt the same way with the Fiscal Cliff bill.

Recently it was revealed that 46 cents of every dollar borrowed by our government is interest. I’d say they’re spending money like a drunken sailor, but then I’d have to apologize to the sailor for slandering him. This profligate spending is far worse. The new Fiscal Cliff bill (according to the Senate Budget Office) has for every $42 dollars of new taxes (revenue) , only $1 will go toward deficit reduction. This represents a ratio of 42:1.

I have no party affiliation. But this year, all I want is my government to stop spending money like Paris Hilton at Macy’s.

I’m bewildered, we live in a new time. If I desire accountability of my legislators in the budget battle, I’m accused of being cold hearted. Am I being dramatic? Consider this recent expenditure. The National Institute of Health spent $939,771 on research that discovered the love preferences of male fruit flies. It found they are more attracted to younger female fruit flies. Go figure, that never happens in any other species. Worse yet, If You want fiscal accountability and desire a few entitlements or expenditures scaled back, to keep you quiet, the opposition labels you a racist.

I have friends on both sides of the aisle, and while I can’t get them to agree on much, I’m pretty sure I can get them to agree we don’t want national bankruptcy. If that happens, Lord help us. We’re going to see people acting like it’s Black Friday everyday until the celestial calendar comes to it’s frightful conclusion. If we are on a fiscal cliff like the press is telling us, why do I have to be in line with all the other lemmings? I’ve tried to stop this march, but no one’s listening. I guess it’s because no one listens to cold hearted, mean-spirited budget racists. Would it help my cause if I said I gladly want to be in the black?

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