I encountered a phenomenon that has me baffled. The World is shrinking. My wife bought me a dress shirt for Christmas. The label was correct. The size and arm length was my usual size. Except when I put if on, I looked like an imposing white Incredible Hulk character. The shirt gapped and was so tight, the buttons looked dangerously ready to explode. I’m sure if I had exhaled, the buttons would have jettisoned like a bottle rocket after ignition and put someones eye out. The sleeves were were four inches to short. Hats off to the Sri Lankan cotton worker who had me in mind when he sewed this masterpiece. I’m sure he was following a pattern. I’m almost certain that his primary thought racing through his mind was, “Is America full of Humpty Dumpty figures with elfin arms?” Sorry, buddy, I’m not one of them!
If you think its only clothes that are shrinking, try again. I was drinking my favorite orange juice this morning when I discovered something sinister. Though the bottle remained the same size as it always had, the content had shrunk 5 ounces. How could that be? It was then that I noticed the sneaky way the company achieved the same look. The bottom of the bottle was concave recessing upward. Same bottle, less product, I was duped.
We all know the false advertising of potato chip bags, but they are getting worse. I love how they boldly state, “some contents settle during shipping and handling”. Yet upon opening the bag, the chips amount to only 20% of the whole interior of the bag. It reminded me of a number of people I met over the holidays. A lot of air, little content. I know the manufacturers want us to believe that excess air is strictly meant to keep chips from being broken. But the over abundance of it in potato chip bags could get a Faberge Egg delivered with nary a scratch.
If manufacturers are going to shrink the truth, why not sell mirrors that make you look thinner and taut. I know I’d buy one of those no matter the cost.
I am facing a sobering reality. Everything in my life is shrinking except my waistline and bills. I did however get a real bargain during the holidays that lifts my spirits and offers me a higher self esteem. I bought a bathroom scale that runs 30 pounds too light. Yes I know it’s defective, but I’m still taking it with me to Weight Watchers. I can still have a clean conscience. I’m not stretching the truth, I’m shrinking it.