How many times have you opened a newspaper or magazine and seen the picture of a nerdy individual who had made the easiest of inventions and pocketed a tidy sum? Then as you dwell on the inventor’s gadget or thing, you kick yourself for not having thought of it yourself? Excluding the pet rock craze, I mean who could have envisioned Americans were so stupid? Okay, strike that last comment!

I have now decided that my next endeavor is to think of useful inventions that would benefit mankind and place a few big bucks in my pocket as well.

My first invention would be a motion detector for the refrigerator. It would set off an alarm each and every time your “circumference enhanced” (politically correct term for chubby) husband raids the fridge on his midnight snack run.

Second, since most people have a stationary exercise bike being used as a closet hanger, I’d rig up a generator to the front tire. The tire, if spinning at the speed of light, could power a big screen television. The TV would only work when the bike is peddled. The object of this would mean, when you’re watching your favorite TV show, your life would become it’s own soap opera, “Days of our Thighs.” Or better yet, if your husband is getting flabby, make him ride it during the Miss USA Pageant. He’d easily do 33 miles during the swimsuit portion of the show.

Third, how about an anti-theft device for errant umbrellas? When that pesky umbrella is taken from the office foyer by a thoughtless bum, the stem would immediately have the consistency of spaghetti and become useless. I would offer a delay of three minutes so the thief would get totally wet when the umbrella collapses.

Even now, I think of the riches in store for the person who can make a rice cake (a member of the packing peanut family) taste like a Moon Pie. Fun and fiber, what else could a person want?

Finally, I’d love to see a gallon of milk with a self-closing spring action flip-top lid. How many milk jugs do you have around the house without lids? Me too! Now if I could just develop a self closing bread bag. I’d be all set.