The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 3,200 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 5 years to get that many views.
I was making a phone call to a company the other day and before I could say hello, the receptionist said, ” Please hold!” and promptly placed me on hold. Five minutes of 70’s music played in oboe, zither, and accordion, she returned with a cheery, “Thanks for being patient.” So I happily responded back, “Did I have a choice?” Pausing for a moment she smiled and with a chuckle said, “well no”. This was the first of many irritating assumptions in my day. She thought I didn’t mind holding.
I had a stranger drive up to my church on a ten speed bike and asked for gloves and a container of kerosene. He said he was cold. This was my second assumption. When did churches start advertising Isotoners and fuel giveaways and why did he think I readily had these items?
I then went to the gas station to cash in my grocery fuel points for discount gas and found out that one of my “beloved” children got a bargain in their tank of gas instead of me. $2.99 for Super Unleaded they bragged later. Silly me, I suffered a third assumption of the day. My rewards program points are for everyone else in the family but me.
Finally at the end of my busy day, tired and wanting a simple bowl of cereal before I went to bed, I reached for the gallon of milk only to find the container bone dry. Have you ever tried to eat Grape Nuts without moisture? All I could think of was, I’d be like the birds you hear about at weddings that eat the rice thrown at the wedding couple only to swell and blow up later when they drink water. I couldn’t get that image out of my head, so I chose to go to bed hungry.
I’d like to brag that I slept like a baby and in all reality I did! I tossed and turned and cried intermittently throughout the night. Maybe the commercials are correct. When you don’t “Got Milk”, the world is a very sad place indeed. Let’s assume tomorrow will be a better day, I’ve already made a picnic list. What, Rain? Are you kidding me?
I was in a restaurant (which shall remain nameless) and I was munching away on my lunch. My thoughts were interrupted by a faint squeaking noise. I assumed it was someone’s shoe. It was persistent and as it continued, it got a little louder. Looking around I found no source for the sound until my eyes gazed downward. It was then I noticed a sticky trap; the kind you use to catch mice. I was drawn to the drama that was displayed before me. Hind quarters stuck to the pad, a mother mouse with two baby mice stuck completely to the pad was making all the noise she could muster. It was borderline fascinating and pathetic. The mouse with all the strength she had, was jumping and the pad was following her front feet wherever she went. Apparently the pad had had been below my chair. Now in the open, she was vainly hopscotching across the floor.
I summoned the waiter and he quickly disposed of the little rodent family quickly but not before it did two things to me. First, it took away my appetite, but secondly, it made me feel extremely sorry for the poor little mother. This scene made me think differently about my day. Though I felt mired in work, at least my hindquarters and family weren’t stuck to a pad of death.
This past week I have felt as if I was trying to outrun a steamroller as I ran on ice. But I was greeted with two minor miracles that prompted me to realize that someone still watches out for me.
Our garbage disposal has been broken for three months rendering our dishwasher useless. The reason is, is that when the dishwasher drains, it drains into the sink and the sink can’t drain. Yesterday as I was hand washing the dishes for the umpteenth time since Thanksgiving, I flipped the switch and miraculously the disposal kicked on. It has been working ever since.
In like fashion, a minor plumbing problem that has caused me grief for weeks likewise, stopped it’s harassment of me and has been working properly ever since.
I now am in what they call a quandary, with such good fortune in such a short time, should I purchase a lottery ticket? Because right now the only gambling I do is when I eat at cheap Chinese restaurants.
No, I think I’ll stand pat. I just got my Publisher’s Clearing House letter and it says someone in my neighborhood with my initials is going to win. And just to think lately, I thought the light at the end of my tunnel was an oncoming train.
Science tells us that human knowledge doubles every few years. I sure wish this was true for common sense. My advanced years has me looking through outdated bifocal, any other color other than rose, colored glasses. I seem to be drawn to the oddities of life and I want answers.
The founder of the social network site Facebook announced today that Facebook will now include a graph search that will have the potential to be a dating matchmaker for all subscribers. I can see how my posts will look now. They will say: like, comment, do you think I’m cute, and I burn toast! Already one-third of divorce cases in the U.S. mention Facebook in their divorce filings. So I have a great idea, let’s make it easier to have an affair. I’m under the opinion that marriage is like visiting Disney World. There’s at least one Goofy character and you only have to do it once.
Think about all the things Facebook knows about us personally. It posts where we are at any moment, geographically automatically, it follows us wherever we go on the internet using “cookies” (tracking devices), and it shares this information with 3rd party entities. With this much information given up so freely, the site could theoretically mate a closet “cheeto’s eater” with another junk food junky. Maybe I’m old fashioned but I think the thrill of the chase beats drive-thru dating. This concept is the height of laziness. How many people can boast they’ve searched and found their one true love while sitting in front of their laptop in their boxer shorts?
Visit Facebook and you can read everything from your friend’s intestinal discomfort to a high school buddy you haven’t seen in 30 years on his kayak trip in real time. I prefer memory over reality. I remain thinner and better looking to my old friends.
I’m older and crankier but it’s not just Facebook. I lay in bed and think penetrating questions like, “Has the individuals who make any and all cough syrups ever tasted a piece of real fruit before? Because every flavor I’ve had, tastes like a wet manhole cover dipped in jello crystals.
I also wonder why hotels place coffee makers in bathrooms? I know my first thought each morning is, “Let me lean over and flip the switch as I experience my morning constitution?” Is this so husbands on the road can call home and say excitedly,”Hey honey, I can multitask too?
On second thought, maybe I need a sleep aid at night. Then I won’t have to dream about why banks have braille pads at drive-thru ATM’s.
Enthusiasm is Contagious 