Science tells us that human knowledge doubles every few years. I sure wish this was true for common sense. My advanced years has me looking through outdated bifocal, any other color other than rose, colored glasses. I seem to be drawn to the oddities of life and I want answers.

The founder of the social network site Facebook announced today that Facebook will now include a graph search that will have the potential to be a dating matchmaker for all subscribers. I can see how my posts will look now. They will say: like, comment, do you think I’m cute, and I burn toast! Already one-third of divorce cases in the U.S. mention Facebook in their divorce filings. So I have a great idea, let’s make it easier to have an affair. I’m under the opinion that marriage is like visiting Disney World. There’s at least one Goofy character and you only have to do it once.

Think about all the things Facebook knows about us personally. It posts where we are at any moment, geographically automatically, it follows us wherever we go on the internet using “cookies”  (tracking devices), and it shares this information with 3rd party entities. With this much information given up so freely, the site could theoretically  mate a closet “cheeto’s eater” with another junk food junky. Maybe I’m old fashioned but I think the thrill of the chase beats drive-thru dating. This concept is the height of laziness. How many people can boast they’ve searched and found their one true love while sitting in front of their laptop in their boxer shorts?

Visit Facebook and you can read everything from your friend’s intestinal discomfort to a high school buddy you haven’t seen in 30 years on his kayak trip in real time. I prefer memory over reality. I remain thinner and better looking to my old friends.

I’m older and crankier but it’s not just Facebook. I lay in bed and think penetrating questions like, “Has the individuals who make any and all cough syrups ever tasted a piece of real fruit before? Because every flavor I’ve had, tastes like a wet manhole cover dipped in jello crystals.

I also wonder why hotels place coffee makers in bathrooms? I know my first thought each morning is, “Let me lean over and flip the switch as I experience my morning constitution?” Is this so husbands on the road can call home and say excitedly,”Hey honey, I can multitask too?

On second thought, maybe I need a sleep aid at night. Then I won’t have to dream about why banks have braille pads at drive-thru ATM’s.