I have an Axe to grind. I have conclusive evidence that sex appeal has an expiration date; at least mine does. Walking the aisles of my favorite grocer recently, I was in need of some body wash. It’s rather amusing that in today’s culture, soap is eschewed. I mean it was carried by the renowned explorer team Lewis and Clark in 1804 for goodness sake, why isn’t it good enough for us now? I’ve seen countless commercials that boast body wash as the magnet of a young life. I bought two brands as a test to see if their hype matches their message. One brand I purchased, always shows that when you use it properly, you immediately become irresistible to women of all ages. I tried it for a month. The only head I’ve turned in 30 days was my shower head. Even my wife was unimpressed; she knows at this point in my life, I am as safe as a celery stick at a daycare center anyway.

I then switched to the second brand; with the words, “Magnetic Clean-Rinsing and Attraction Enhanced” on the bottle. To add extra oomph to it’s label, it touted, “PHEROMONE ENHANCED.” I looked up the word pheromone in the dictionary to be sure I was understanding it’s meaning and implication properly. Aside from the entomology references and pictures of large amorous bugs, It read, “A pheromone (from Ancient Greek φέρω phero “to bear” and hormone, from Ancient Greek ὁρμή “impetus”) is a secreted or excreted chemical factor that triggers a social response in members of the same species. Pheromones are chemicals capable of acting outside the body of the secreting individual to impact the behavior of the receiving individuals. There are alarm pheromones, food trail pheromones, sex pheromones, and many others that affect behavior or physiology.

Intrigued, I continued to use this product to see if it actually rekindled any response of a youthful nature. I would have better luck rubbing liniment on my body and walking through a horse barn at Churchill Downs. I have no idea who the poor chap whose pheromone was harvested for this product, but oh, I got a response. I have to assume my bottle was inadvertently aligned with the alarm pheromones. Everyday as I leave my home, I scare people. When did I cross the timeline from hip to hip replacement?

The next time you fear you may be turning more stomachs than heads, or you feel tempted to see if maybe you’ve still “got it”, do what I do! Use a visual aid. Walk through that crowded room with a pizza in one hand and a leash walking an adorable puppy in the other. I mean, who can resist that?