As a trained conflict coach, it’s ironic that I’m conflicted all the time. I generally get this way when I go to my favorite restaurant and have to choose between salad and bread sticks or fruit and cheesecake. I am amused when fashion gurus expound on fashion with comments like, “The colors we choose daily to wear, are a glimpse into the soul and mood of the wearer.” I hate to burst their bubbles but I choose to wear green because that may be the only thing that fits. Tomorrow it may be a hefty trash bag; scented of course.

A church member, wanting to assist me on my quest for thinness, sold me an exercise bicycle. The bike is amazing as it has all the bells and whistle you could ever want. It is electronic and keeps track of your heart rate, blood pressure etc. The one drawback is I wish it had a cup holder for my McDonald shake and an overflow pan like you see around hot water heaters. It needs to keep track of the tide of sweat that runs off me so I can determine how much Gatorade I need to consume after I’m done.

The bike’s prominence on our large enclosed front porch cannot be missed. Through the sliding doors of the living room, my wife can open the curtains in the morning and stand with her hot beverage and watch me.  Like a gerbil on a wheel, I am now the central figure of my own cage; a people aquarium. “Oh look Mom,  isn’t he cute? Is that sweat or did he just participate in the Ice Bucket Challenge? Does every person who rides that thing cry like he’s doing?”

I despise all these health magazines that tout the amount of exercise one has to do to rid themselves of their sinful food indiscretions. It might say, “Eat a cream puff, and you have to peddle to Mars and back.” I beat them at their game, I just eat a Mars bar.

This week as a means to foster a healthier and cozier environment, my wife had me purchase and assemble new porch furniture. Our porch is split and has a higher and lower level. Now my wife can be more comfortable at her higher vantage while she watches me exercise and torture myself. My youngest son made the suggestion that I move our little freezer off the upper porch area and place it down next to the exercise bike on the lower level. He surmised it would be out of the way and would make the furniture setting a little classier without the unsightly white freezer in the picture.

His mother agreed and together we hefted it down and plugged it in.  You know, he’s absolutely right, it does look better next to my exercise bike.  In fact, since we moved the freezer, I am using my bike three times a day. My son was a genius! I can now peddle and eat ice cream sandwiches without ever getting up.