I often repeat the quote that the only person who welcomes change is a wet baby. I understand all to well this past week after I traded my old cell phone for a newer Smart phone. The name Smart only applies to the phone. After two weeks with the stupid thing it’s humbling to know that while it offers you all human intelligence in the palm of your hand, I’m still a Cro-Magnon in the technology world. I don’t even know how to answer it when someone calls me. I feel like a dim-witted Jeopardy contestant; “Alex, $200 on cell phone basics please!”

As I lay in bed early one morning I stumbled upon a new feature. It has a fitness app built in that encourages you to live a healthier lifestyle. One of the features that left me intrigued was a spot on the back of the phone to rest your thumb. By placing your thumb print on the back of the phone over a tiny hole, the phone reads your heart rate and stress level. I found that at 5 am, I have no stress in my life. I’ve learned if I want to control my blood pressure I have to stay in bed until 4 pm. As I read the instructions it encourages you to reach your target heart rate. Of course drinking a pot of coffee and walking up a flight of stairs accomplishes the same thing; but wouldn’t that would be cheating?

As an added bonus the phone also offers a pedometer. I don’t know how I switched it on, but the pedometer has been set and working since I got the phone. It started out by telling me that to achieve a physique of a Greek god, I had to walk 10,000 steps everyday. Every evening it gave me my total. Apparently 10,000 steps for me must be a monthly goal. I got so tired of it reminding me daily that I was being lazy, I tied it to the collar of the dog for a full week.

I went to the doctor and he asked me if I had been exercising lately. Smiling I showed him my phone. 125,000 steps in a single day. He’s concerned. He says with that much exercise I should be built like a pipe cleaner. He’s booked an appointment with an endocrinologist to see if my thyroid is working properly. Man I hate my phone.