Each morning I begin my day like most. I twist, gyrate, dance and shout for an extended period of time. An exercise program you ask? Hardly, I’m just trying to get lids off the things I want to eat. Since when are pickle jars personally sealed by the Jolly Green Giant? Are manufacturers welding their lids into place now?
There is nothing more demoralizing than realizing you can’t even open a glue bottle anymore without grimacing and turning purple. And what about the size of fonts and prints? I recently was shown through a microscope where an artisan etched the 23rd Psalm on a grain of rice. I think he’s now quit his day job and is printing labels for vitamin bottles. The only word legible on my bottle, is the word vitamin. Who knows, I could have just been taking a Skittle for the past five years and never knew it.
Same goes for the menus in restaurants. I look like a gemologist when I forget my glasses. I study the thing like a fine diamond when I order from one. My head is down, it’s three inches from my eyes, and I get excited when I find a tantalizing part. I believe the reason buffet tables on cruise ships are so popular is because everything displayed is big. Ice sculptures, platters, cakes. You can actually see what you’re eating. Minus my coke bottle reading glasses, my food is so blurry it looks like I’m eating Vaseline.
I must also be at a loss in the hearing department. I dare you to find a radio station today where you can understand a single word of a song; any song. I’ve resigned myself to talk radio exclusively now. When I think of my frailties, I can’t help but think of the ensuing story.
A man asked his 50 year old wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d really love to be ten again” she replied wistfully. So on the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Frosted Flakes and then took her off to their local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster, complete with a hot-dog, popcorn, a big fizzy drink, and a huge bag of M&M’s, her favorite sweets.
What a time she had! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well, Darling, what was it like being ten again?” Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.“You idiot”, she replied. “I meant my dress size…”
When it comes to me getting old, there’s some things even hearing aids and glasses can’t fix.