I hope I can make this brief (pun intended). Why is our nation fixated on underwear? If you aren’t wearing Victoria Secret brand, you’re not sexy, if you’re not wearing Fruit of the Loom, you’re not an average Joe. I despise the trend of messages now emblazoned on the cabooses of countless briefs. The words range from cute to obscene telling me what manufacturers think I need to know. This makes no sense. Think about it, when was the last time you sat around with your friends and said, “I can’t wait till Edna gets here so we can read the seat of her pants and know the mood she’s in.” I hope the only message I ever see on a friends delicates is “machine washable” and that’s only if I’m doing their laundry. Besides at my age why risk a yoga move to read the back of your own underwear? I have enough trouble bending down and putting on sneakers? I wheeze like an asthmatic aardvark when I do. Sure I get the cereal box messages on the back cover when you have nothing else to read at the breakfast table, but underwear? Wouldn’t the hidden message be like flying an airplane dragging a banner behind it after sunset. What’s the point if no one can see it?

But no, this conspiracy goes deeper. Have you noticed little boys underwear lately? Why does every pair have to have a violent superhero or villain emblazoned on it? Are we trying to coerce little boys that behind every pair of cotton briefs, testosterone must run amuck? Why stop at the age of nine with Underoos? Make them for adult men and women. I know when I leave my driveway and brave the insipid traffic, I arrive at my doctors office frazzled. Even my own typical tighty whitey’s don’t reflect my completed Herculean task. I do feel like a superhero if I succeed.

But consider little girls underwear; princesses, fairy tales etc. Nothing like preparing them for real life where every frog can be transformed into a prince and one always lives happily ever after. We all know how common this occurs. I think the ills of society CAN be traced back to underwear manufacturers. They offer false expectations and promise if you wear their brand, you’ll look like a sculpted sex symbol. But we all know the real truth to this indoctrination; you also have to be wearing the right cologne, toothpaste and hair gel.

While waiting for my son at a department store not long ago, we glanced up at the wall and a shudder went through us both. Touting the wispiest woman’s briefs you could ever imagine, the store was advertising that same pair in the size of 6X. Would something this minute really look good on someone who has an enhanced circumference? (Politically correct term now for plus size people) I won’t elaborate on my feelings, but I cant help think that somewhere a lone Volkswagen Beetle is missing a drivers window sunshade.