No, I Don’t Want to Be Your Sweat Gland


In my lifetime I have seen trends that have been inane, funny and even downright disturbing; the pet rock, leisure suits, and most social media to name a few. But one thing I don’t recall in my childhood (which I believe has mushroomed out of control) is cologne or perfume inspired by famous people. I don’t recall as a child walking into my local store and seeing Captain Kangaroo body spray, or Phyllis Diller hair glitter. No, we celebrated our own diversity and individuality and we liked it that way. Besides didn’t every eight year old boy have hair like Phyllis Diller?

At my local retailer this past week while searching for cologne, I reached a saturation point. The sales attendant was friendly enough but was too persistent. “What are you looking for,” she asked. Oh I just want something that smells ruggedly appealing. The list of fragrances she offered me sounded like the attendance roster at the Country Music Awards and Oscars combined. Thank you but no, I don’t want to smell like Tim McGraw’s sweat glands. Oh, and Usher’s armpit is out of the question too! If I absolutely have to smell like a famous star, then let it be Paul Newman’s microwave popcorn. That’s it!

Advertisers are sneaky. I see every product known to man creeping onto clothes, handbags, and hats but I’m not falling for it. If I were meant to wear something on my bumper, I would have been born a car. I would advocate one designer not make a maternity shirt. I can’t help it. I have to shout out “boy” or “girl” when I see a woman with a big rounded belly wearing a shirt emblazoned with the word “Guess” on it. Funny, they always stare. I know some people freely choose to look like an overhead bi-plane with a flapping advertisement banner behind it, but not me. When people see me, I want them to see dignified, plain, and smelling fresh.

This week an older woman in church hugged me and said, “You smell really good, what do you call what you’re wearing?” I said, “Clean.” Boy that sure sounds a lot better than saying, Justin Timberlake.

About enthusiasmiscontagious

I am an individual who analyzes all facets of life in the hopes of squeezing out some of the humorous parts.
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