Getting Your Body Back


I was perusing the magazine section at my local grocery store and a cover caught my eye. Not because the cover sported a gorgeous fit blond on the front, but it was the headline that drew me in. Emblazoned in bold letters the title stated, “Get Your Body Back.” My first thought was from whom? If one day my body is donated to science, it no doubt will be to science fiction.

I was born chunky; that’s my body type. When my wife and I hold hands on a walk, children run up to us like celebrities because they think we’re the number 10 on Sesame Street. When it comes to eating properly and exercising, I do believe we’ve been lied too by the “experts”. If water is non-caloric, then why are all snowmen round and fat? Everything that even has one shred of good taste, we’re admonished to spit it put. I guess it’s plywood (celery) and gravelola (granola) until the day I can proudly wear my Depends with suspenders.

If reaching a target heart rate is so imperative to good health, why can I achieve my target without exercising?All I have to do is open my checkbook while drinking a caffeinated beverage.

Not wanting to discourage those that look at me as a roll model, “Roll” being the operative word. I attended a church outing with a Little Debbie wrapper taped to my upper forearm. When asked why it was there, I informed them that I was trying to quit and I was on the patch. I was disappointed, it didn’t work!

It is an inconvenience to buy clothes in my size. I can never get clothes that fit properly. My Bangladeshy shirts fit like I purchased pup tents from LL Bean and left out the center poles. When I purchase pants I usually have to cut them off at the knees then hem them so they can be the correct length. In my mind when my clothes are being manufactured, I have an image of a foreign worker, eyes wide, wondering, “Are all Americans built like Frosty the Snowman with a shrunken head?” Every shirt when buttoned makes me look like I have a goiter because it’s so tight my eyes bulge. If I move the neck button over any more, it would be on my right shoulder.

I have now started my newest and most exciting diet yet and whether I have success or not, this time I will not envy the muscle man on the magazine cover. Yes I know he’s sculpted like a god, but so am I. Buddha counts right?

About enthusiasmiscontagious

I am an individual who analyzes all facets of life in the hopes of squeezing out some of the humorous parts.
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