It’s comical how parents and school districts tackle the tough subject of teaching youth about responsible relationships. As you can surmise, I’m speaking about the increasing number of young school aged children having babies. Each week I hear lectures, read books, and listen to disagreements over how to address and solve this problem. In my estimation, the experts are going about it all the wrong way.

Rather than a student lugging around a Betsy Wetsy doll that simulates a real baby, or make a male student walk around with a bag of bird seed strapped around his waist to simulate pregnancy, I suggest an alternative. I think school districts should teach classes that simulate real-life experiences. If I taught school, my mandatory classes would include subjects like this:

Infant Bonding 101
Every night for a 30-day period, play a tape of a screaming and fussy infant just as the student starts to doze off at night. Play it each night additionally at odd hours to simulate colic.

Diaper Simulation and Intervention
Assign a student (who is designated a child) to visit a local cow pasture and roll in a meadow muffin from head to toe and report back to class. Cleaning of the student must be done while the designated student father is in a suit, and the designated student mother is in high heels and pearls. Extra credit is given if the “parents” remain clean.

Repetitive Pickup- Cleaning after a Child
This class requires participants to work in pairs. To authenticate a child’s bedroom, step-one requires a small explosion to be set off in a toy filled room scattered with finger paints, crayons, and matchbox cars. Step-two, one student will immediately clean up the aftermath, including the walls, and return the room to it’s original state in a timely manner. Repeat the process as necessary to reinforce repetitiveness over an 8 hour period. Supplies needed: duct tape, Mr. Clean, Tylenol, and a rag.

Learning to Walk after Childbirth
All students must drink six glasses of water before they go to bed. (This exercise places their bladder in the same age bracket as a pregnant mother’s at 3 am). When the student gets up in the middle of the night to go to the restroom in their usual sleepy stupor, strew Legos and Jacks all over the floor. Stepping on one of these is closely akin to placing your corn in a vice grip.

Spoon Feeding Techniques
Each student must stand at the end of a leaf blower and carefully spoon a bowl of oatmeal and blended bananas into the blower’s end when it is running. The exercise simulates a child’s reaction to foods they don’t like. Extra credit is given to those student parents whose hair retains it’s original shape and color.

The final exam consists of one exercise. You have no money. Without the aid of parents, friends, cell phone, internet or television, entertain yourself and your baby for four weeks straight. This exercise will be accomplished while living in a tent. Now this is education!