I seldom have a moment to watch television. This morning I woke up early and not wanting to awaken my wife, I chose to watch a rare tv show on my IPhone. I plugged in my earphones and though it felt like I was watching it through a keyhole, my warm bed offset the inconvenience. If you’ve never watched tv on your phone, the annoyance isn’t that there is commercials, it’s that you have to watch the same commercial six times.

I often wonder about advertisers and the demographics of the viewers they target. I know I can’t be the only person who wonders who are the neanderthals these advertisers are aiming for? This is not my reality. I mean, have you ever seen your spouse dance around a bathroom with a sparkly clean plunger singing a happy tune to an orchestra when you gave them a new cleaner? No? Then you need a new cleaner.

How about the woman who has intestinal complications? In the commercial as she passes by in her canoe, she yells, “I have no worries” and promptly pulls out an Imodium bottle that looks like a water cooler bottle. I’m sorry, but is she traveling the whole Lewis and Clark trail?

So here I am watching my tv show and the commercial comes on with two young and attractive people in bed. You think it’s a romance story as you hear the announcer say, “the morning is a special time for the two of you.” Then out of nowhere, a cat is standing on the woman’s chest purring and pawing at her face to give it food. This is the first fail. As she heads to the kitchen, she opens a cupboard that looks like a cat food shelf at Costco. How much food can one cat eat?

The next part of the commercial is even more stupid and inane. The woman kneels down and places a fancy tray on the floor. The cat runs up to it’s bowl (made of china no less) sitting on a fancy napkin with a fresh cut flower in a vase setting beside it. The next moment is priceless, the couple give loving looks to each other while the cat feasts.

I’m not a detective, but the relationship between the adults has to be in the earliest stages. No morning kiss, no I love you, instead the cat is the center of the universe. And this is okay with the guy? I’m sorry, but if my wife gave that kind of treatment to a cat, you’d better be sure I’m waiting in line for my equal or better treatment; back rub, breakfast in bed.

I can assure you, five years down the road, if I’ve worked the late shift and that cat bats me awake or uses my new couch for a scratching post, it will be meowing, “Houston, this is Evil Cat-Nevil we have a problem, my owner’s launched me into the stratosphere off his boot and I don’t have a parachute.”

I’m not a cat lover, but aren’t cats something like teenagers? They act loving towards you when they want something, otherwise when you call them they stick up their nose, walk away, and deny your existence?

Nope, if I have a pet, despite what advertisers say, I’m NOT serving them a meal on a fancy tray. Like everyone else in the household, they will get what’s on sale and it will be on plastic plates. Nothing but the second best for my family. Sorry cat, I’m saving the flowers for my wife’s breakfast tray for when I’m in the doghouse. You remember that family member don’t you?