I know I’m not the only person who seems to be cursed when it comes to electronics. I buy a new gadget and within two weeks I’m on the tech support line bouncing from satellite to satellite, country to country, with the manufacturer hoping I’ll wear down from the futility and bite the bullet and forget it. No Sir, if I’m going to pay good money for something that’s supposed to make my life easier, I’m going to see it through to the end even if I have to take multiple crash courses in Rosetta Stone.

I dialed an 800-number support line. An inalienable truth about these help lines is that this will be the first and only time the voice you hear will be in understandable English, and it’s automated. Strap yourself in, you’re going to feel like the sole interpreter at a Star Trek Klingon convention.

I ask Big Business, why give us any hope that the receiving individual on the other end of the line understands a fraction of what we’re saying? I mean if you want us to just forget it, let the person who did the automated voice speak in broken Mandarin Chinese. Before making the message, have them inhale helium, keep them from sleeping for 48 hours, and give them laryngitis. I know if I heard that voice first, I wouldn’t even try to go to the next level.

You see, corporations are toying with us. They route our calls through countries we can’t pronounce, to converse with individuals who think Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company. Then, when we finally arrive at the right department, the individual has such little grasp of the English language, we all sound like Tarzan. We then try to describe our problem with only an 18 letter alphabet.

Is there a solution for the next time my computer or radio kicks the proverbial dust? Yes there is. Remember the learning game, Hooked on Phonics? I suggest a foreign version called, Hooked on Farsi. Imagine speaking the language of 50% or more of support technicians! I’m already making plans to get advanced dialect training in Hindi too with my next upgrade. I’m excited! I’ll finally be able to ask any hotel proprietor in 80% of US hotels that I want a king bed. They’ll finally be able to understand what I want. It’s a good thing too, those sleep sofas were killing me.