“The Best Type of Prayin”

Posted on February 23, 2015 by enthusiasmiscontagious

I recall when I was eleven years of age my parents took us on vacation through New Jersey where they had once lived. They fancied a visit with old friends and since we were at their mercy, we had no choice but go along. The house of their friend’s sat in a somewhat rural area and it afforded them space for their teenage son to explore on his motor bike. As much as I wasn’t a fan of motorcycles, I was even less a fan of freckly faced teenagers whose sole purpose in life was to scare the stuffing out of eleven year olds with dare devil stunts.

My brother and sister were the first riders on our new friend’s motor bike, I was last. I remember my siblings telling me after their rides that it was a blast; they lied. Typically a sinister laugh and beady eyes is more a trait of a bad movie villain than an adolescent character flaw. I should have anticipated the next sequence of events because this kid was equal parts Mario Andretti and Evil Knievel. We took off like we were extras in the movie Smokey and the Bandit.

With my arms wrapped around his midsection like Velcro and my heading bouncing around like a bobble head doll, we jettisoned across the rough terrain. I don’t recall whether I screamed like a little girl or if I sounded more like an Ewok in distress; a lot of high pitched grunts. But across hills and dirt mounds, jumps and near wheelies, I quickly learned the concept of prayer. On the rear of that motor bike, I found God and promised Him everything my future held if He would just return me back safely. With the ride over and my adrenalin reverting back to safe levels, I disembarked with legs that felt like Jello. I dropped to my knees, channeled the Pope, and kissed the ground. I had prayed my way out of an insane obstacle course adventure.

Not unlike my own concept of what constituted the best way to pray, three preachers one day stood in the front yard of the church. They began discussing the best positions for prayer. Unnoticed, was a telephone repairman working nearby.
As the conversation became more animated the first one exclaimed, “Kneeling is definitely best.”
“No,” another contended. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the third insisted. “The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor.”
The repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer. Butting in he blurted out, “Hey, fellas,” I don’t mean to interrupt you, “but the best prayin’ I ever did was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

Isn’t it rather obvious that no matter if you’re alone or just “hanging around”, the best means to make a proper connection with God is following the advice of Nike Shoe’s advertising campaign; “Just Do It”!

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The Mortified Dad

Posted on February 16, 2015 by enthusiasmiscontagious

If you didn’t already know it, children are sponges; they absorb everything. When television executives say their programs don’t influence behavior in children, I laugh at their foolishness. If that were the case, why during cartoons do you see tons of commercials for toys and sugar cereals? I don’t think I’m enlightening anyone to the fact that children don’t miss a thing.

Some years ago before my father retired as a pastor, he visited the home of a family who had a very spoiled child. The four year old boy was untamed, undisciplined, and temperamental. My father was paying a dinner visit and as the boy’s parents worked in the kitchen, he was relegated to watching the child. My father is a master with children, they love him. However this one was challenging.

As my father sat on the sofa, the child would run at him with his head down and try to butt my father in the stomach with his head. Each time my father would say NO and push him away, he would start all over again and try harder to be even more obnoxious. Finally on his fourth attempt of being a nuisance, my father took his knuckle and when the child tried to ram him again, he thumped him on top of his head. The little boy stumbled backwards, glared at my father, then ran into his bedroom. Moments later he returned with a toy plastic chain saw. He quickly pulled the string to make the realistic sound of a working chainsaw and promptly tried to saw my father’s arm off for spite. Knowing my Dad, I can only imagine it took all of his reserves not to drop kick this petulant child through the goal posts of life.

When my wife was in the hospital having just given birth to our daughter, my next door neighbor approached my three year old son and me. He said, “If you want, I have some movies that will make you want your wife to come home quicker.” Knowing my neighbors penchant for some movies that featured scantily clad women, I made up a movie title and responded, “Well if your movies are something like “Garage Girls” I’m not interested. He laughed and said, “Yeah, something like that, but I knew you wouldn’t be interested.” Nothing more was said of the incident and it never came up again in conversation for three days. That is until I took my son to church.

As we were entering the door of our little country church, we passed our saintly pastor in the hallway. Just as we were to ascend the stairs to the sanctuary he stopped me and said, “John, as part of the social committee, could you recommend a movie the church family could watch together this weekend?” Instantly as if on cue my son shouts out for all the world to hear, “Yeah, how about garage girls?” My pastor’s face registered absolute shock and at that moment there was not a rock big enough to hide my embarrassment. Looking down at my child I said sternly, “Son, where in the world did you hear that?” I was praying fervently at that moment he wouldn’t blurt out, “YOU”.

That moment became my epiphany on raising children; they really don’t miss a thing. You know, all of us have moments in our lives that test our faith and courage. Taking our children to meet the pastor is one of them.

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Valentine’s Humor

Posted on February 13, 2015 by enthusiasmiscontagious

I do hope that each of you endeavor to do something sweet for your significant other this Valentine’s Day. I include these two little stories in hopes that you are more successful then the individuals I’ll present.

It was Valentine’s Day at school, and the children wanted to bring gifts for their teacher. As each child filed past her desk, it was the supermarket manager’s daughter who brought the first gift; a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist’s son was next and he brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the last boy who’s father owned a large apple orchard, brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

Is it apple cider?” she guessed.
No,” the boy replied sweetly. She tasted another drop and asked, “is it wine?”

“No,” said the little boy excitedly…
“It’s a puppy

The Magic Lamp

A woman finds an Aladdin’s magic lamp. She starts rubbing it and a Genie pops out as usual. The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:

– I want my husband to have eyes only for me.
– I want to be the only one in his life.
– I want him to sleep always by my side.
– I want that when he gets up in the morning I am the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.

The Genie turned her into a Smart Phone.

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The Over Valued Coat

Posted on February 9, 2015 by enthusiasmiscontagious

“John, we’re short a newsman tonight, could you cover the political event tonight in Cornish?” Straddling the state of New Hampshire my employer, a Vermont radio station couldn’t help but be pulled into the political scene each election cycle. Our neighboring state boasted the first in the nation primary, so it was not uncommon for me in 1988 to interview some well known presidential candidates. Having learned all about politics in Texas where my broadcasting career got it’s start, I envisioned all political gatherings were the same; I was wrong.

In Texas where I knew Congressman, then later Senator Phil Gramm on a first name basis, every hosted event where he attended had almost a debutante feel to it. Women would get dressed to the nines, food was plentiful and the soiree would exude a celebratory atmosphere. There was a lot of fancy and good looking people at these gatherings.

With this in mind, I told my bride of four years that we needed to get dressed up. I was going to be interviewing Democrat front runner Michael Dukakis and I was sure the elite would be there. I had just purchased a beautiful fake fur coat on clearance from Montgomery Wards and my wife was ecstatic with her gift. Despite the fact in reality we were penniless, she looked like a wealthy and beautiful heiress. We hopped in our car crossed the Connecticut River and followed the instructions via windy country roads to the meeting place.

In past political races in Texas, it was common to hold the event in a prominent location to garner wider news coverage and importance. However in the down home traditions of New Hampshire, this particular fundraiser was held in a farmhouse by a Dukakis supporter. We didn’t know what to expect, but we didn’t expect this. Every attendee was dressed in simple clothes with some even wearing overalls. We were the best dressed in the room. We couldn’t have stuck out more if we’d showed up in scuba gear. As we awaited the guest of honor, numerous people could be heard whispering about the beautiful woman in the expensive fur coat. They’d say, “she must be rich.” As I stood to the side, it made me laugh.

After a thirty minute delay, Mr. Dukakis made a grand entrance. Sizing up the room quickly and seeing nothing but poor farmers, he made a beeline for where he thought the big money lay, with my wife. A bit taken back, she shook his hand and chatted with him as he made his case for financial backing. His quick conversation ended with, thank you for supporting me and I look forward to your vote. A short time later I got my “sound bite” as they say in the business (a quick interview on tape), and we made our way home.

If Mr. Dukakis knew at that time we had less than $100 in our bank account, I dare say he never would have initiated a conversation. Actor Vincent D’Onofrio once stated, “It’s pretty simple, pretty obvious: that people’s first impressions of people are really a big mistake. I would have to agree. However if you do have the opportunity to meet me for the first time, I will tell you that your eyes are not deceiving you. I really am dashingly handsome and suave. How do I know? My fortune cookie told me yesterday.

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