Technology Doesn’t Work for Me


I recall my first run-in with technology foibles when a text message I sent went horribly awry. I had an angry individual who perceiving I did something wrong, sent me a less than kind text message. Endeavoring to soften their displeasure, I sent them back a message where I simply typed, “I extend to you my humbleness.” I later learned my phone’s auto-correct changed the word “humbleness” to “bumblebees.” So far, I never did hear a response from my “buzz” word but then again, maybe my message stung a little.

Technologies are supposed to lighten our load, ease our burdens, but not for me. When we bought our new car recently, our son said, “You’ll love the Siri voice technology! Push a button, tell the corresponding voice what you want it to do, and voila, you’ll be on your way!” Fat chance! Seldom does the blasted thing work correctly. Tell it to call Mom and it will say, “Don, Tom, Ron? Tell it to navigate you to Olive Garden, it will map out directions to Olive Branch (MS). At this point, my Siri capable voice activation is like most highway work crews. They only work about 25% of the time.

Another wrinkle in my phone is that it is bluetooth connected to my car and even when I don’t want it to, the car will sync with my phone and all my stored music will begin to blast. I can’t tell you how many times I have entered my vehicle in sweet meditation on the way to church only to hear blasting from the car speakers with no warning, Razzy Bailey singing the country song, Midnight Hauler.” I’d ask my kids how to keep this from happening but then they’d just make me feel stupid by rolling their eyes.

This week I had a technology emergency I’d never experienced before. As a habit, I bring my cell phone everywhere with me; this includes the bathroom. Oh, I’ve received phone calls there and have been grateful like I’m sure you all are, that the phone manufacturers offer a mute button as an option. However, this was far different. Very rarely do I panic and if I’m tempted to do so, I always have a backup plan. Just not today!!!

While I was just getting comfortable on the porcelain goddess, my phone rang. Thinking nothing of it, I picked it up; it was a FaceTime phone call. For those not familiar, this type of phone call is a video chat operation. As I panicked over whether to answer it, several things immediately came to mind; if I do answer the call, is the front video lens activated or is it the back lens? Will I have to hold my head up, or will the camera point down or vice versa? If the video is activated, will the wrong lens inadvertently show me from the viewpoint of a fish eye lens where it will make me look like Humpty Dumpty on a porcelain egg? I feared hitting the wrong button so greatly that I felt like James Bond choosing which wire to cut on the bomb to defuse the catastrophe.

I never did learn who called, and I don’t care. I don’t need that kind of stress in my life! I threw it in the sink and covered it with a towel. Today I am at peace, I averted disaster by fixing my high tech problem as any intelligent older person would do. My phone now sports two sticky note flaps on each side of my cellphone. Next time you call me for a Facetime call, you didn’t call a canary, my sticky pad is yellow.

About enthusiasmiscontagious

I am an individual who analyzes all facets of life in the hopes of squeezing out some of the humorous parts.
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