Having traveled extensively around the country over the past year, I’m always intrigued by the accents of various regions. None fascinate me more than where I was born, New England. I can tell the difference between Massachusetts, Maine and Vermont accents. In this whole region, the letter “A” replaces the “R” at the end of the word and vice versa. I remember a young woman I worked with a number of years ago who went by the name of Donna. Frustratingly for her, our boss always called her, Donner. I used to joke with her at Christmas if she was going to bring her friends, Blitzen and Cupid to the Christmas party. She always stuck her tongue out at me.

In other parts of the country like Kentucky, eastern Appalachian people merge words together to form a new word. The phrase, “No More” is converted to one word, namore. In Maine the words “No Sir” are converted to No-Sah.

It is with this in mind that I came up with a brilliant new show for cable. Throughout my travels, one thing has been universally constant, the wearing of yoga pants is being abused. You’ve heard of the show, “Say Yes to the Dress” right? I suggest a Down East citizen of Maine hosting a show with a heavy accent entitled, “Say No-Sah to the Yoga!” I can imagine the host saying in typical Maine flair, “Yess-uh, we bout seen a bit too much of a wicked good thing he-ah (here).

I can hear their colorful play-by-play even now with every episode. Announcer: “Mutha (Mother) is behind them curtains they-ah and she’s checkin out a new fangled ex-acise suit. I’m hopen she looks more like a Volkswagen beetle cuvvah (Cover) than a sausage casing!”

For all of us, you can’t tell me that you haven’t seen your own version of Ipecac, in spandex. I was returning to my car this week when I saw the worst form of spandex abuse ever. The woman’s tight yoga outfit made her look more like a large python from Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. The kind that has eaten a baby rhino and is now sunning itself on a rock. I couldn’t help but think, “Does she own a mirror?”

I’m not trying to shame individuals with girth, I’m one. But there’s a reason why at my age when I go to the beach, I don’t don a Speed-Don’t bathing suit. This is the reason why homes have blinds, seeing too much, is most often too much! I get it, we all want to think of ourselves as having the perfect body, but in spandex unless you have the body of an Adonis; you are going to look like a kielbasa ready to explode.

One thing about Mainers, they know where to buy their outfits; L.L. Beans of course. Besides, it’s perfect. After 4X comes tent right? I’m sure I can get a bargain if I don’t need the tent stakes.