My thoughts have been scattered and my ink pen dry for the past two months. I needed something to revive my creative juices and I found it today. In fact I found it of all places in my spam folder on my computer. I have no idea the algorithms advertisers use to target me, but I’m reaching my limit. How come when I get Spam, (you know the unwanted junk emails) it always pertains to slamming my self esteem into the carpet like a sumo wrestler?

I get the Belly Blaster diet pill, and the sweepstakes entries; I mean who wouldn’t want to win enough money to buy a small island in Tahiti and disappear? But I ask, why all the negative ads that hit my ego like a rottweiler chomping on the last party balloon?

Okay so I’m getting older. But how come I can’t find gems in my email box with these words? “How to reconcile being devastatingly handsome?” or “How to minimize the risk of looking too smart in a crowd.” No, every advertisement has something to do with a flaw, defect, or health problem the advertiser thinks I possess. Who can compete with Photoshop pictures and Hollywood makeup artists? I sure can’t! That’s why one of my favorite quotes is, “The perfect body is only a light switch away.”

Recently I lamented to my wife that I felt old, even my emails told me so. She said, ‘Excuse me? Listen, let me tell you something — you are only as old as your feel.” She added, “I feel young and I can make you feel young too.!” I was astonished and said, “How can you do that?” She replied, “It’s about how young I make you feel. You want to feel young now?” I nodded. Then with authority she yelled at me, “Now go in there and brush your teeth and put on your pajamas, and get ready for bed.” Her theory is working, she’s reading me a bedtime story tomorrow night.