What Want Ads Really Mean

One of my side interests is helping individuals write resumes and prepare for job interviews. I know what great satisfaction and relief a good job and career can do for ones self esteem. Since I have presented numerous seminars on the subject, I am a bit fastidious when it comes to hiring practices. I came across a cheat sheet (if you will) that will assist individuals in understanding job want ads.  I’ve added a few of my own from past experience. Keep this with you when you search your next job site or newspaper want ads.

“Competitive Salary”
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

“Join our fast-paced company”
We have no time to train you.

“Casual work atmosphere”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you will dress up; in fact, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“Some overtime required”
Some every night and some every weekend.

“Duties will vary”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“Must have an eye for detail”
We have no quality assurance.

Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“Apply in person”
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told that the position has been filled.

“Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience”
You’ll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

“Problem-solving skills a must”
You’re walking into perpetual chaos.

“Requires team leadership skills”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“Good communication skills”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

“Chance for Advancement”
You’re starting at the bottom, the only way is up.

“Excellent Benefits”
We give you a few personal days to use anytime but they can’t be used on; Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Memorial Day, 4th of July or your birthday.

“Work independently”
Management is in Cancun or some exotic beach location on all holidays while you work.

“Stock Options available”
We invest your money in our private stocks as safe as Solyndra and Enron.

I hope this assists you on your quest for the perfect job.

About enthusiasmiscontagious

I am an individual who analyzes all facets of life in the hopes of squeezing out some of the humorous parts.
This entry was posted in The Lighter Side Newspaper column. Bookmark the permalink.

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