I can handle many things but insulting my intelligence is not one of them. Maybe you’ve read labels of products you’ve purchased and the obvious dangers jump out at you. No I’ve never considered making my toaster a bath tub toy while it’s plugged in; I might end up looking like boxing promoter Don King. I’ve never thought it a good idea to use my lawnmower as a hedge clipper either. I wouldn’t want to pick my nose with my elbow since all the digits would be gone on my right hand. And definitely I would never want to iron my clothes while I was wearing them. Besides, I never looked good in hot pants. Yes, all of these are warning labels seen on these products.

Well imagine my incredulousness to the new 700 word instruction sheet by the federal government on how to properly roast a marshmallow. The article suggests a ten foot buffer between the child and the fire plus the added 30 inch minimum roasting stick to brown your cubed confectionary. If you’re wondering like me what pray-tell they’re wanting you to use, it think I know. Go to your church with the vaulted ceilings, find the telescopic pole they use to change light bulbs 20 feet in the air, and use it to cook your marshmallow.

Then if those instructions weren’t clear enough, the comprehensive bulletin suggests avoiding those “nasty calories” by substituting your roasted marshmallow with thin slices of fruit and angel food cake and roasting those instead. Isn’t a thin layer of fruit in a cake or crust called a pop tart?

I suggest if the government wants to burn money on things we can all agree on, why not post a 700 word bulletin on how hotels can set up breakfast areas properly. Why is it they always bunch everything into a corner and you’re bumping into everyone?

Or how about spending federal money on an advertising campaign that impacts a larger section of society? Full instructions on how to properly wear pants. Isn’t it ironic that using a belt can fix both sagging pants and the attitude of the person wearing them, yet it’s conspicuously absent? I think it’s time to dust off the old t-shirts that say, “Just say NO to crack!” and be happy knowing the message now applies to two distinct problems within society?

Oh and for the record regarding marshmallows, they said we should try turning over a new leaf. I’ll save you the trouble, marshmallows don’t taste any better wrapped in kale either.