Next week I undertake a project that has been in the works for some time. I will be the host of a Holy Land video production. I suppose I should contact the President since he could probably offer me pointers on how to manage teleprompters. In fact, I think that’s the first thing he saved up for with his lemonade stand money when he was a kid. But oddly enough, being in front of the camera isn’t what’s scaring me. It’s purchasing the right clothes for the whole event.

I distinctly remember hearing somewhere in my youth that being on television adds 15 pounds. If that is true, I may look more like the Kool-Aid man than a real anchorman. My journey for the right clothes has taken me in a 90 mile radius of my home. If I can find clothes that fit, I won’t know what to do with the center pole and stakes. I found a pair of pants that would have worked but with my budget, they might as well have been Oscar De La Remnant.

Oddly enough, my wife pointed me to an obscure store where I found two pair of pleated pants. The moment of truth became clear when I looked in the large store mirror. With the pleats, it made me look like I was donning a blue accordion. The shirt wasn’t much better. The arms went four inches past my hand and the neck was so tight it looked like I had a goiter because my eyes were bugging out.

How do women negotiate the changing room anyway? I sidestepped more pins and needles than a pack of porcupines. Alas, my fate with destiny resulted in two long shirts, two accordion pants, and a tie. The Good Book is correct, it is the tie that binds.

I suppose I should give thanks the production series has me starting in the Holy Lands. If it had started earlier in the Garden of Eden, the attire would have been much easier to acquire. I mean we all know that Adam wore the plants in the family right? Then again, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a banana leaf in 3X. Between us, I’d just as soon keep this search fruitless anyway.