As a means to inspire others with the power of my willpower over food, I have entered the arena of protein power bars. I selected my brick er…. I meant faux candy bar the other day. I confess, I was blown away with the selection. Don’t assume that because it looks like a candy bar and smells like a candy bar that it’s a real candy bar. The best description of my first taste would be a missing Endeavor Shuttle heat-shield tile dipped in chocolate. The second one wasn’t any better. I thought I had bought a large square packing peanut from the FedEx Store and it was brushed with peanut butter. Either way, my taste buds and my willpower are in an epic battle.
While in Vermont recently visiting family, the phone rang. It was a farmer friend who is always finding creative ways in which to feed his livestock. Do you know Holstein cows have a sweet tooth? He had visited a local bakery and purchased not just a few, but a pallet load of soon to be expiring donuts, cakes, danishes and cookies. When I say it was the good stuff, it WAS THE GOOD STUFF. He loaded his mini van and from the back of his head rest to the top of the van all the way to the rear door, the vehicle was teeming with mouth watering delights. He had called my mother to ask her if she wanted any baked goods before he fed his cows. He arrived and opened the rear door of his van. It was like watching a Skittles commercial with all types of colors falling out the door in abundance.
I try not be be an emotional person but tears came to my eyes. I am convinced I heard an angelic choir from somewhere above singing the Hallelujah Chorus when he asked me what I wanted. This was my moment of truth, this was my Super Man Kryptonite moment. Drugs to me?…..rain drops on a car windshield, alcohol….a pebble to a brick wall, one simple danish ring, I become as helpless as a babe.
This is why today I am in the protein bar section. I am retraining my taste buds for the healthier things of life. I’m trading my donut for a brownie bar that has the consistency and taste of expired jerky. My new breakfast cereal is new and improved with ten times the fiber of tree bark. I’m also limiting myself with genetically altered vegetables on the salad bar. Although I must say that once you cut off all the toes and fingers, they can be quite tasty.
So how is my goal of evolving from a roll model to a role model working? Well my most effective weight loss program at the moment is eating meals in front of a mirror while wearing a bathing suit one size too small. While I can see some positive results, the drawback is there are ten restaurants in town now that won’t let me back.