Today is known as Black Friday or as I like to refer to it as, Black and Blue Friday. This is the day Americans perform the equivalent of the “Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain. Get out of the way at the mall or risk getting gored, trampled or foolishly injured. Black Friday earned it’s name because this is the day when retailers after a long arduous year finally make money.

Have you ever braved the crowds to participate in this event? I only wish churches would have members that possessed a smidgen of the crowds enthusiasm. Back in Kentucky in our little town, the only real stores we had were Walmart and Big Lots (hillbilly Macy’s).

Our family bundled up in sub-freezing temperatures to be at the front door before the 5 am opening. We went even earlier than that, only to find the crowds had camped out long before our 4 am arrival.

Reminiscent of lemmings, we all stood in a long line and awaited the fate of our frightful march forward. As the doors opened and the throng crushed forward, people realized their buggies (carts) were to cumbersome so they left them strewn all over the store like a war torn battlefield. This was all done to beat a mad rush to electronics. The carnage of empty carts, crying, exhausted, and lost children, as well as the sounds of wailing and gnashing of teeth, (appropriate apocalyptic language) was too much. I dashed back out to my car, cowered in the back seat, covered my head in a blanket, and sucked my thumb. The stress was too overwhelming.

A friend of mine told me about her own frightful incident. Being petite, she was standing at a center station where sweaters were being sold cheap. A big woman behind her was so impatient that she couldn’t gain access to the sweater bin too, picked up my petite friend by her elbows, swung her around, and promptly deposited her directly behind her so she could take her place. That was beyond determination.

The real kicker for me on this particular Black Friday was I had only come for one item, a low priced DVD player. The next week when I entered the same store, they had so many of them left, they were selling them at the Black Friday price. Talk about duped. I was dragged out of my warm bed earlier than owls awaken only to learn later it was all for nothing.

Nope, this man will not be party to any more chaotic holiday shopping lines, it’s too insane. If I’m going to wait in line with a bunch of desperate and depraved lunatics, it better be for water in a FEMA disaster line.

My suggestion? Order everything online, let the UPS man do all the running around. He’s in better shape, and he’s paid to do it. As for me, I’m sleeping in! Maybe I’ll dream about the home shopping network!