Once in a while I feel a duty to educate a few people on an important discovery. I am now ensconced in my new home and I need to get this off my chest, CAR DIRECTIONAL SIGNALS ARE NOT OPTIONAL EQUIPMENT!

There is nothing more frustrating than to wait (for what seems to be an eternity) for a car to drive by, only to have them turn a few feet in front of you. Now I know why the biblical Apostles walked everywhere, it’s almost impossible to to drive nowadays without losing your Christianity. In the past ten years of driving, I have been yelled at,  run off the road, given the Audubon salute, and stared down like a communist insurgent. I’d buy a horse but I’d probably experience road rage from an Amish farmer yelling, “Up they butter churn, Yoder”!

Don’t you just love parking and getting in and out at the grocery store? The last time I experienced something so harrowing, I was on a ride at the State Fair strapped into my seat and it was called the Merry Mix-up. I can’t count how many times I have backed out only to be scared back into submission by drivers as determined as kamikaze pilots to get to the free parking space beyond me.

The post office is no different. Wouldn’t you love in the near future to have the postal service install air tubes like at the bank drive-thru that shoots your mail out to you so you never have to leave the car? Am I the only one who laboriously plods through the long process of getting my mail only to find I have but one piece of mail in the box that gets my name wrong and says, “Yes Fern Woodbine, you might be a millionaire!”

You see, drivers are educated in safety and alcohol impairment today but what each state really needs to do is mandate a course in driver civility. The course could be taught with virtual reality headsets. Just like a Gameboy or Nintendo Wii video game, in your mind you could drive through the streets of your town and be cut off by a driver. You could be distracted by a pretty woman or hunky guy, or have naughty words hurled at you by an irate driver. Your test results would depend on how you acted during each distraction.

If you waved at the old lady walking slowly in the crosswalk, you’d get 20 points. When being cut off by an inconsiderate bum, if you remain calm and sing church hymns, you get 50 points. But if you mutter aloud a colorful metaphor at the thoughtless driver and/or couple it with a hand motion that signifies your love of winged creatures, you have to take the course over again. The one positive benefit however is you get to keep the bar of soap that was placed in your mouth by the motor vehicle agent.