Ring Tone Deaf

Posted on April 28, 2014 by enthusiasmiscontagious

Some individuals like to show their creative side by dressing uniquely. Sometimes they can be as audacious as the ladies on Derby Day; loud clothes, big hats, and gaudy jewelry. Society pushes the notion that we have to be utterly and totally different from each other. This culture of individualism is a constant annoyance for me. For young Americans, they achieve individuality by culling themselves from the herd by brandishing garish tattoos, piercings, and taking risky dares. But older adults have little energy or creative cunning to be that unique. Oh they still have the desire to be different, but its got to be easy with minimal effort. This can now be achieved through grating cellphone ringtones.

How many times have you heard ringtones that to the user may be wonderful, but to you and me it is straight up obnoxious? I heard one ringtone recently with an annoying high-pitched voice yelling, “Someone stupid is calling, someone stupid is calling,” over and over again. Ten minutes of that and I’d confess to being Big Foot’s brother-in-law for the sheer torture. I’ve heard other phones ring as sexy voices, New York cabbies, dogs barking, and even the sound of a submarine diving bell. Oh, the last one is clever if you’re as deaf as a haddock. But it sure doesn’t make the preacher happy when you pick up your phone during the service to answer it after the 43rd ring.

I’ve learned sometimes the person receiving the call can even be more annoying than the ringtone. I’ve actually seen people answer their phone at the front of a church or movie theater and walk down the center aisle talking while the preacher or movie was still in progress. So how do we deal with such unique people and their ringtones that grate on our nerves? I suggest this…..Carry a woodpecker in your pocket, release it when an obnoxious ringtone goes off. Then let the bird drill on the offending person’s forehead for two minutes. Then exclaim excitedly, “I love my live ringtone, it’s like yours. It gives people headaches too!”

On second thought, maybe I need a better alternative. I’ll just remind myself of the story of the preacher who was finishing up a series on marital conflict. At the close of the service he was giving out small wooden crosses to each married couple. He said, “Place this cross in the room in which you fight the most and you will be reminded of God’s commands and you will have peace and won’t argue as much.”

One woman came up after the service and said, “Pastor, You’d better give me seven of those.”

The cross, the antidote for an obnoxious and tone deaf world. I think I’ll take seven as well!

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It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, World

Posted on April 25, 2014 by enthusiasmiscontagious

Have you noticed everywhere you look today, someone is mad about something? Who can share an opinion or wax eloquent even as innocuous as a favorite sports team without being derided or insulted as a neophyte? No matter if it’s religion, political leanings, or opinions on raising your children, you might as well accept the labels: moron, idiot, or nerd. What I find most fascinating about opinionated flamethrowers is, it is they who most times appear to be the ones who are three McNuggets shy of a Happy Meal.

Forget the analogy that there are too many chiefs not enough Indians. There is no Indians anymore. My wife is a customer service representative for an insurance company. Rarely does she have a day where is she isn’t cursed out, blessed out, or read the riot act over a “perceived” injustice. Yet it is her soft and kind demeanor that is frequently called upon to (as she says) “talk them calmly down off the bridge.”

I wouldn’t mind be corrected by someone if they’re right, but I hate taking correction from someone who’s wrong. The story is told about a small, country church where the pastor called a special meeting of the congregation to approve the purchase of a brand new chandelier. After some discussion pro and con, an old farmer stood up and said, “Buying a new chandelier may seem like a good idea to you, but I’m against it for three reasons. First of all, it’s too expensive and we can’t afford one. Second, there isn’t anybody around here who knows how to play one. And third, what we really need in this church is a new light fixture.”

Sometimes the conflict is not so subtle. Two neighbors had been fighting each other for almost four decades. Bob bought a huge St. Bernard and taught it to use the bathroom in Bill’s yard. For one whole year Bill ignored the dog but he couldn’t take it anymore. So Bob went out and bought a cow and taught it to use the bathroom only in Bill’s yard. After about a year and a half of Bob’s cow using Bill’s yard as a bathroom; being ignored all the while, a semi-truck pulls up in front of Bill’s house. Bob immediately runs over and demands to know what’s in the 18-wheeler. “My new pet elephant,” Bill replied solemnly.

Okay sometimes our anger can be caused by our ignorance and sometimes it’s just our inattention. A Lutheran pastor always started each service with “The Lord be with you.” The people would always respond, “and also with you.” But, one Sunday the PA system wasn’t working so the first thing he said was “There’s something wrong with this microphone.” The people responded, “and also with you.”

My hope today is if someone’s mad and their path is going to intersect with mine, can’t they spare me the angst and let it be with themselves for a change? If not, can I stake my pet elephant outside their house?

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The Three Things Judas Missed

Posted on April 18, 2014 by enthusiasmiscontagious

During the Battle of Waterloo, a man stood on top of a great cathedral in London. He was chosen to study the signal flags from the battle. The whole city of London was anxious to know how things were going. All were wondering if the Duke of Wellington could defeat Napoleon. The man stood on the cathedral watching for signals from the battlefield relaying news. When he received a message he waved his flags to give the people of London a report on the battle. While waving his flags, the people of London barely could see through the fog. Impatient, the only message they were able to see was, “Wellington defeated.” They were stunned. Their hearts sank. But then after a time there was a break in the fog and they saw the rest of the message. The flagman waved with enthusiasm what had not been seen before, “Napoleon…Wellington defeated Napoleon.” The entire nation of England celebrated the great news.

It seems more often than naught, patience is in short supply in our lives. We know what we want and we want it now. I’ve never met a married couple when purchasing a fixer upper that didn’t think the project ever went too fast.

Two Thousand years ago, the Passover had been celebrated on a Thursday. The following day, now known as Good Friday would be like no other. A humble and beloved carpenter from Nazareth would suffer the greatest act of betrayal ever witnessed by humanity. Why? Because a friend wanted power and prestige over friendship. This friend committed a deed so despicable, that forever in time, this very act would be the example by which all future betrayals would be judged.

If he wanted to be remembered as the most famous disciple, he certainly achieved it. People everywhere to this day remember his name, Judas. So despised would be this name that we’re told even Jesus’ brother Judas later changed his name to Jude.

Many of us have known betrayal, but to be betrayed by the closest of friends with a kiss? Today we still use the euphemism borne by this event when we state giving someone the “Kiss of death”. But this Good Friday, I have a burning question. Why did Judas exit the stage so quickly after his betrayal; he missed so much? Before all the events of the day would conclude, Judas would be absent for Pilate’s questions, Caiaphas interrogations, Jesus’ flogging or His being nailed to the cross. Judas missed it all.

While Jesus hung pitifully on that cross, and he cried out, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.” Judas missed by hours the best news ever; the forgiveness of his Master. We all remember John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son.” But the following verse adds clarity to the former, “For I didn’t come into the world to condemn it, rather I came to reconcile (forgive, restore) ALL men to me.”

There are three things Jesus requires of us to gain His forgiveness. We have to admit we messed up, we must have remorse, and we must accept by faith God’s full forgiveness.

Judas came oh so close. He admitted in front of the Jewish leaders he had sinned. He declared he had betrayed an innocent man. But like so many people today, he believed he had simply done too much, gone too far, to ever be forgiven. The one missing puzzle piece for full restoration he didn’t take; he never asked God for forgiveness. Even with this acknowledgement of sin, and his remorsefulness, he still couldn’t bring himself to inquire of the last, asking for forgiveness.

Just two days later while meeting in the upper room, the disciples had their Peace restored (Jesus resurrection). Therein lies the second thing Judas missed, peace. Judas isn’t going to hell for betraying Christ, he is going there because he refused to set his relationship right with Jesus. On that cross when Jesus cried out, “Father forgive them”, that statement was meant for Judas too.
Except Judas missed the announcement by mere hours.

The third and final thing Judas never achieved was power. Wasn’t that the reason for this betrayal? Yet only ten days later at Pentecost the Holy Spirit, was poured out onto the world like a fire. And Judas finally missed the one thing that he had craved his entire life, power. He missed it all!

We may find it easy to cast dispersions at Judas, but aren’t we like him at times? The very three things Judas missed that day can seem elusive to us as well. Today Good Friday offers us the opportunity to seek His Forgiveness, seek His Peace and seek His Power.

Unlike Judas, don’t let your hours slip away before your relationship is restored with the Master.

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Your Sleep Position Determines Relational Happiness?

Posted on April 16, 2014 by enthusiasmiscontagious

I know I’m not the only one who peruses the magazine titles while waiting in line at the local grocery store. Some make me chuckle out loud while others make we cringe. I laugh at the titles on romance magazines that boldly state titles like, “New Tricks that will drive him crazy”, or “Discover the ways to drive him wild!” As if after millenniums on earth, anything can be new. Indoor plumbing is the exception of course; chamber pots were murder.

I was intrigued by a recent article in the British press that studied the success of relationships based on sleeping positions. Clearly this journalistic gem only studied normal well adjusted people and not parents of newborns. We know they are bleary-eyed, irritable, and will sleep in front of a refrigerator in the middle of the night if there’s a rug present. As I opened the article, I mused to myself, “This is going to be insightful if not downright hilarious.” I wondered what the article would say about my wife who sleeps with a pillow on her head and in a fetal position. If she were to be rolled up any smaller, she’d be a sweet roll. I would have used the analogy of sushi if my wife had been Japanese, same thing.

Me, I sleep straight on the edge of the bed like I’ve been given a mere two-by-four to sleep on. Don’t ask me why? I think it has something to do with quick escapes. Nevertheless, as I studied the diagrams in the informative article I learned we should be only marginally happy. If you are touching (the article claims) while you sleep, you have a 94% happiness quotient. Not touching, 68% satisfied. Back-to-back not touching, 74% happy. Face to face touching 100% happy.

Are you kidding, face to face AND touching? Now I can see the first year being barnacles on the ship of life, but after that no way! If my wife and I were to be face to face and breathing on each other, one of us would wake up convinced the other had a midnight snack of possum road kill. I think I’ll just be satisfied skewing the numbers at 68% satisfied. 30 years of marriage is nothing to trifle with. Of course the real statistic killer is the husband who was once asked the success of his marriage of forty years. Without hesitation he replied, “Separate beds.” The inquirer surprised said, “That really works?” The man replied, “it sure has for me, hers is in Ohio, mine’s in Florida.” However the only statistic that really counts is not how you sleep, but how much your wife sleeps. I know this because if my wife gets anything less than eight hours of sleep, my marital satisfaction numbers are in the chamber pot.

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